Marriage with a Twist

The toughest part of being in an unconventional union is managing other people's expectations.

By Amy Rosenberg, published on July 05, 2011 - last reviewed on October 11, 2011

In the classic film Harold and Maude, Harold, who is 20, decides to marry Maude, who is 80. His mother, a rich socialite, is mortified. She sends him to a psychiatrist, a priest, and an uncle, hoping they will convince him to change his mind. Each adviser reacts with disgust, and Harold doesn't budge. "What will people say?" his mother asks in horror. "I don't care what people will say," he replies. "This is insane!" she shouts. Harold's beloved shares his interest in—or, more accurately, obsession with—death and funerals in a way that no one else around him does. In Harold's mind, that makes her the perfect woman despite the vast age difference between them. Sadly, Maude passes away before Harold can marry her, but, given the couple's resolve, it's easy to imagine that they could have lived happily together (for a while, anyway). Their union certainly would have been atypical according to contemporary norms that present the archetypal couple as heterosexual, young (but not too young), stably employed, close in age, and well-matched in race and other social factors. But Harold and Maude clearly didn't care what outsiders thought.

In real life, such confidence can be difficult for star-crossed lovers to achieve and maintain. When people buck conventional ideas of coupledom and partner up with someone others consider inappropriate—too old or too young, the wrong race, class, or religion—or when they structure their relationship in a way that seems unorthodox—a husband who's a stay-at-home dad, a wife with a much higher salary—the perceptions of friends, family, and strangers can threaten their happiness.

"Social norms are driven by emotions of contempt in the observer and shame in the person or people being observed," says Jon Elster, professor of social science at Columbia University. "The contempt forms when the observer is faced with something that feels wrong, whether that feeling is justified or not—and often it is not. When a couple is judged or ostracized, their marriage can be destabilized."
So how can such couples stay afloat? It takes a stubborn and rebellious personality—like Harold's—to decide to pursue an atypical relationship in the first place, and if you've got two such personalities in one couple, tensions might run high regardless of social pressure. But those character traits can also be advantageous, helping people stick to their decisions and achieve their goals.
Ultimately, if partners remember the foundation upon which they built their relationship—what attracted them to each other in the first place, how their attraction developed into love, and why they decided to seal that love with mutual commitment—they have a good chance of creating a bond that can withstand the disapproving masses.

Enhance Relationships and Build Trust

The continuum for growing our people and leadership skills starts with changing ourselves. Mr. Carnegie encouraged us to "become a friendlier person" so that we could earn trust and enhance relationships. Enhancing relationships is the essential foundation for being more influential and becoming a highly respected leader.

Don’t criticize, condemn, or complain.
Criticizing another person not only damages that person’s reputation, but puts a dent in our own. Give honest, sincere appreciation.

Appreciation builds our image faster than any other practice. After all, the success of every job demands cooperation and effort from others. People contribute to our success as much as we contribute to theirs.

Arouse in the other person an eager want.
As business professionals, we are constantly selling our ideas. But people consent to help for their own reasons, not ours. If we make it clear how our ideas will benefit them, there is no limit to the cooperation we could receive.

Become genuinely interested in other people. Regardless of the physical or financial assets a company may have, it’s the people who make it successful. They are an organization’s key asset, and getting to know them should be as high a priority as learning the technical aspects of one’s job. The key is to be genuine. Don’t get a reputation for only being interested when you want something. Getting to know others should always be mutually beneficial.

Smile. Whether or not we’re pleasant to be around depends less on the situation than on our behavior. Rapport in business is fueled by seemingly minor considerations, such as a friendly, accessible demeanor and a welcoming smile.

Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.Using a person’s name is crucial, especially when meeting those we don’t see very often. Respect and acceptance stem from simple acts, such as remembering a person’s name and using it whenever appropriate.

Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.
A business runs on information, so what better way to learn what's going on than following this principle? We must listen with everything we’ve got. How we listen says volumes about how we think. Be focused, engaged, and sincere.

Talk in terms of the other person’s interests.
Truth be told, we spend most of our time thinking about ourselves. Why not create strong business relationships by putting away our own concerns and talking about what others are interested in for a while?

Make the other person feel important—and do it sincerely.
In our dealings with others, building them up shows we appreciate their contribution. The bond that results can help us withstand the pressures of our own day-to-day struggles.

Thinking Logically Might Not Be The Logical Thing To Do.

A lot of people tend to make a clear difference between emotions and reason. In a discussion, reasonable arguments are supposed to be important, while emotions wouldn’t take us any further.

However recent findings in neuroscience point out that there simply is no clear-cut difference between reason and emotion as regards the functioning of the brain. One cannot separate the one from the other.

A Map Will Tell You Everything You Need To Know, Except For How To Fold It Back Up.

The new navigation systems in cars have turned out to be extremely useful. However they do deprive us of the test of relationships that was done every holiday: map-reading.

It used to be like this: he drives, she reads the map.

This would happen:

After a couple of missed turns he wants to stop the car to read the map himself. This entails finding a spot to stop where it is possible to read the map peacefully – easier said than done. She suggests a spot like that might be marked on the map, which merely increases the level of his irritation.

She notices a small road to the left, but it was too late for him to slow down. He accuses her of not reacting soon enough, which increases her level of irritation.

However, the next junction turns out to lead to a cute French village with an extraordinary auberge with great cuisine and a free spot on the terrace … The two have truly survived an adventure and the relationship came out of it just fine.

Isn’t it a shame that we have to miss out on this nowadays?

If You Think You Can....

If you think you can do it, you’re right. If you think you can’t, you’re right.
Your power to convince yourself is enormous and unimaginable. You can make someone else experience this power by making him or her do the following exercise:

Ask your subject to stretch out his arms. Lightly press down on the upper side of the out-stretched hand, while he lightly pushes upwards. This way you can test the other’s natural power.

Make him tell himself at least ten times that he cannot resist your force, while repeating the action above.

Note his strength.

Now do the test again, but make the subject tell himself at least ten times that he definitely can resist! How strong is he now?

The results will surprise you!

You Will Always Remember Your Failures Much Longer Than Your Successes

Within our autobiographical memories there’s a special place reserved for embarrassing situations for which we ourselves are responsible. The kinds of situations which still make us blush when we recount them years later. Where looking back you still hope the ground will open and swallow you up!  Such as using the wrong name for someone, or asking after someone who’s long dead.

This sharp focus on negative memories has a function; it helps you to keep a healthy self-image, reminding us that we are fallible.

But it has its disadvantages too.  In moments of depression those painful experiences come bubbling up.

So next time you’re lying awake mulling over your weakness, remember that it’s a one-sided image of yourself, that unpleasant memories have been etched deeper in the brain, and programmed to reappear at such moments.  All the positive aspects of yourself have been wiped from the slate!

Building On Your Strengths

Why Build on Strengths?

It is our strengths that lead to true success in our careers, NOT our lack of weaknesses.
We all have unique strengths.
Strengths may come naturally to us, often from an early age.
Others tend to overlook our weaknesses if they respect our strengths.
In the absence of contradictory data, people will assume strengths: "She is VERY good in this area, therefore she must be good at everything else."
Strengths can create the Halo Effect, meaning that a positive perception is easily reinforced.
Remember, goal setting and action planning should first focus on strengths and then on those weaknesses that will impede success.

Think With Your Heart And Feel With Your Head

When dealing with others it is important to integrate your feeling and thinking.
In other words, don’t just feel about your situation, but think about it too. Then you’ll be more ready to speak out calmly and act appropriately. A lot of unnecessary conflicts and problems are avoided if you follow this simple rule: feel and think first before you speak or do.

If you feel and then act without thinking you’re being impulsive or reactive and, more often then not, you’ll hurt yourself or someone else.  If you think and then act without feeling then you’re detaching and not dealing with something that you need to deal with.  But if you feel and think about something, put your heart and head together, then you’re in sync with yourself and giving your best.

The more your heart and mind are in communication and working together to support you the more effective you’ll be in your relationships.

If You Can’t Sstand The Heat, Get Out Of The Kitchen (Harry Truman)

Do you know Gordon Ramsay? He is a famous chef appearing in television shows like ‘Hell’s Kitchen’ and ‘Kitchen Nightmares’. His fame comes from screaming vulgarities at incompetent chefs.

Not the way of communication we promote. But if you strip away the obscenities from Ramsay’s language there is are some things to be appreciated, namely that Ramsay hates mediocrity.

He doesn’t want people to be average or dishes to be passable; he wants them to be great.

When he finally says:  ‘nice job’ this will be well-deserved. The people he has worked with have really changed.

The lesson here? If you are honest in your drive to make things don’t hesitate to state clearly what you think about the current situation.

But after that, like Gordon you have to get into the heat of the kitchen and work together to improve things.

Don’t Worry About Criticism

Remember that unjust criticism is often a disguised compliment.

“When you are kicked or criticized, remember that it is often done because it gives the kicker a feeling of importance. It often means that you are accomplishing something and are worthy of attention.” —Dale Carnegie

Do the very best you can.

“I do the very best I know how --- the very best I can; and I mean to keep on doing so until the end. If the end brings me out all right, then what is said against me won’t matter. If the end brings me out wrong, then ten angels saying I was right would make no difference.” —Abraham Lincoln

Analyze your own mistakes and criticize yourself.

SOME SIMPLE RULES TO HANDEL CONFLICT IT'S OK TO DISAGREE DON'T BE DISAGREEABLE

BE FLEXABLE, BE OPEN, BE PRESENT

1. Keep interactions respectful, even when feeling frustrated or hurt. 

2. Avoiding put-downs, name calling, interruptions, etc. helps prevent conflict escalation.

3. Maintain emotional control, even when feeling angry. Vent or redirect emotions to avoid yelling or other intimidating behavior. This helps provide a safe environment for resolving differences.

4. Keep interactions on "hot topics" within a structured process. 

5. Avoiding or minimizing spontaneous discussions on such issues helps prevent unintended "blowups." Using a planned negotiation, mediation, or other formalized process helps focus and balance communication about especially delicate issues.

6. Show a willingness to understand. If others feel understood and acknowledged, they are more likely to collaborate when problem solving. This requires focusing on and empathizing with what is being communicated by others rather just waiting for a turn to respond.

7. Communicate honestly and openly. Holding back on what the real concerns are will only delay or complicate the resolution of differences.

8. Be as objective as possible. Avoid speculation, rumors, and assumptions. 

9. Rely on personal observations and experiences or what can be independently verified through a credible witness or available documentation.

10. Express concerns in a constructive manner. Each party describing which of his/her needs are not being met is typically better received by others than accusations or demands for change.

11. Focus on future solutions rather than past blame. 

12. Emphasizing what needs to be changed rather than who is at fault takes less time and energy and increases the chances of successful change.

13. Look for solutions that meet everyone's needs. Using an approach that tries to find common ground or shared interests is the most effective way for each person to get his/her own needs met. 

14. An approach that disregards a person's needs is likely to cause resentment in that individual, which can lead to future resistance or retaliation. Consider the needs of the person in front of you; consider their position by placing yourself in their position.

“The things that make a marriage last have more to do with..."

But for many couples, it’s just not enough to stay together. They want a relationship that is meaningful and satisfying. In short, they want a sustainable marriage.

“The things that make a marriage last have more to do with communication skills, mental health, social support, stress — those are the things that allow it to last or not,” says Arthur Aron, a psychology professor who directs the Interpersonal Relationships Laboratory at the State University of New York at Stony Brook. “But those things don’t necessarily make it meaningful or enjoyable or sustaining to the individual.”

The notion that the best marriages are those that bring satisfaction to the individual may seem counterintuitive. After all, isn’t marriage supposed to be about putting the relationship first?

Not anymore. For centuries, marriage was viewed as an economic and social institution, and the emotional and intellectual needs of the spouses were secondary to the survival of the marriage itself. But in modern relationships, people are looking for a partnership, and they want partners who make their lives more interesting.

Caryl Rusbult, a researcher at Vrije University in Amsterdam who died last January, called it the “Michelangelo effect,” referring to the manner in which close partners “sculpt” each other in ways that help each of them attain valued goals.

Dr. Aron and Gary W. Lewandowski Jr., a professor at Monmouth University in New Jersey, have studied how individuals use a relationship to accumulate knowledge and experiences, a process called “self-expansion.” Research shows that the more self-expansion people experience from their partner, the more committed and satisfied they are in the relationship.

To measure this, Dr. Lewandowski developed a series of questions for couples: How much has being with your partner resulted in your learning new things? How much has knowing your partner made you a better person? (Take the full quiz measuring self-expansion.)

While the notion of self-expansion may sound inherently self-serving, it can lead to stronger, more sustainable relationships, Dr. Lewandowski says.

“If you’re seeking self-growth and obtain it from your partner, then that puts your partner in a pretty important position,” he explains. “And being able to help your partner’s self-expansion would be pretty pleasing to yourself.”

The concept explains why people are delighted when dates treat them to new experiences, like a weekend away. But self-expansion isn’t just about exotic experiences. Individuals experience personal growth through their partners in big and small ways. It happens when they introduce new friends, or casually talk about a new restaurant or a fascinating story in the news.

The effect of self-expansion is particularly pronounced when people first fall in love. In research at the University of California at Santa Cruz, 325 undergraduate students were given questionnaires five times over 10 weeks. They were asked, “Who are you today?” and given three minutes to describe themselves. They were also asked about recent experiences, including whether they had fallen in love.

After students reported falling in love, they used more varied words in their self-descriptions. The new relationships had literally broadened the way they looked at themselves.

“You go from being a stranger to including this person in the self, so you suddenly have all of these social roles and identities you didn’t have before,” explains Dr. Aron, who co-authored the research. “When people fall in love that happens rapidly, and it’s very exhilarating.”

Over time, the personal gains from lasting relationships are often subtle. Having a partner who is funny or creative adds something new to someone who isn’t. A partner who is an active community volunteer creates new social opportunities for a spouse who spends long hours at work.

Additional research suggests that spouses eventually adopt the traits of the other — and become slower to distinguish differences between them, or slower to remember which skills belong to which spouse.

In experiments by Dr. Aron, participants rated themselves and their partners on a variety of traits, like “ambitious” or “artistic.” A week later, the subjects returned to the lab and were shown the list of traits and asked to indicate which ones described them.

People responded the quickest to traits that were true of both them and their partner. When the trait described only one person, the answer came more slowly. The delay was measured in milliseconds, but nonetheless suggested that when individuals were particularly close to someone, their brains were slower to distinguish between their traits and those of their spouses.

“It’s easy to answer those questions if you’re both the same,” Dr. Lewandowski explains. “But if it’s just true of you and not of me, then I have to sort it out. It happens very quickly, but I have to ask myself, ‘Is that me or is that you?’ ”

It’s not that these couples lost themselves in the marriage; instead, they grew in it. Activities, traits and behaviors that had not been part of their identity before the relationship were now an essential part of how they experienced life.

All of this can be highly predictive for a couple’s long-term happiness. One scale designed by Dr. Aron and colleagues depicts seven pairs of circles. The first set is side by side. With each new set, the circles begin to overlap until they are nearly on top of one another. Couples choose the set of circles that best represents their relationship. In a 2009 report in the journal Psychological Science, people bored in their marriages were more likely to choose the more separate circles. Partners involved in novel and interesting experiences together were more likely to pick one of the overlapping circles and less likely to report boredom. “People have a fundamental motivation to improve the self and add to who they are as a person,” Dr. Lewandowski says. “If your partner is helping you become a better person, you become happier and more satisfied in the relationship.”

"EMOTIONS, EVERYONE HAS THEM"

You can take everything I have, except the right to react the way I want to
(Victor Frankl)



A lot of people have trouble dealing with their emotions.

People often blame the way they feel on someone else’s behaviour:

-     I’m angry, because you insulted me.

-     I’m hurt, because you made fun of me.

-     
I’m happy, because you’re so nice to me.

Emotions are often made out to depend on someone else’s behaviour.

But an emotion is something that you create, based on how you feel about a situation.

If a stranger walks by and says “You never get anything done”, you might be a bit surprised but won’t give it much thought.

But if your boss or partner tells you the same thing, you’ll find it much more important.

The way you interact with someone can also make you interpret their words differently.

If you’re arguing with someone who then says “You’re a good person”, you’ll probably see it as sarcastic rather than as a compliment.

Others aren’t responsible for your emotions. You are, by interpreting the people and situations you are confronted with.

Remember that you’re the one holding the keys to your own emotions.

Getting Past Insecurity

Getting stuck in insecurity is more sickening than the certainty you did something wrong
Expressions about people’s strengths and weaknesses usually use the third person singular. They always go like: he is such and so, never you are such and so.

That is how it used to be in the closely-knit village communities of yore. All members knew what ‘they’ felt about any of them. Only the individual concerned probably didn’t. On the other hand, there probably was a broad basic acceptance. Any individual member just ‘belonged’, however objectionable his or her character.

We probably do not realise that for centuries direct feedback was hardly given at all. It is a mechanism which only came into use after the Second World War. Recently, new insights in the development of our competences have drastically altered our views on feedback. The old perspective, getting feedback, has shifted to becoming owner of your feedback.

Do not talk about, but with people

Don’t Worry about Criticism

Remember that unjust criticism is often a disguised compliment. The quickest way to correct the other fellow's attitude is to correct your own."  

“When you are kicked or criticized, remember that it is often done because it gives the kicker a feeling of importance. It often means that you are accomplishing something and are worthy of attention.” —Dale Carnegie

Do the very best you can.

“I do the very best I know how --- the very best I can; and I mean to keep on doing so until the end. If the end brings me out all right, then what is said against me won’t matter. If the end brings me out wrong, then ten angels saying I was right would make no difference.” —Abraham Lincoln

Analyze your own mistakes and criticize yourself.

Do not cling on to your dream, just do not let it go

Of course it is important to keep trying to realise your dreams, and optimism about your potential is a great help to attain goals.

Unbridled optimism, however, can also be dangerous if it leads to a stubborn march down a dead end.

The trick is to be flexible in your optimism.

This means that you will have:

1. The strength to change what can be changed,

2. The courage to accept what cannot be changed,

3. The wisdom to distinguish between 1. and 2.

AND

4. Never lose sight of the essence of your dream. What cannot be done now, may be possible at another moment in a different form.

Graduation Day May 14, 2011 Erskine Theological Seminary Due West, SC

The day has arrived and I am wondering what now? I feel as if I should be doing something else! Don't get it twisted I am happy that God has blessed me and my family to achieve this milestone. I feel that I need to do more! I am never satisfied with where I am at intelluctually so being a perfectionist and somewhat "OCD" I am already thinking about my enrollment in Waldon University to complete my Phd in Psychology. I received my acceptance enrollment letter and welcome packet several months ago. The class schedule is robust and challenging but nothing that I can't handel. So I want to discuss change in this posting as I write from Westminster, South Carolina as I prepare to have my doctorate conferred upon me at 4:00 pm.

"CHANGE"

When it comes to change, those involved can be divided into four categories:

The ones who welcome the changes with positive feelings
The ones who wait to see what happens without taking an active part in the process
The cynical ones who only give negative criticism
The ones who lose faith and see themselves as victims
Change will start to show positive outcomes when most people belong to the first category – otherwise the change is only superficial: a technical success but not yet integrated in the organization’s every-day life.

It is essential that the critical masses have been reached.

Change will start to show positive outcomes when most people belong to the first category – otherwise the change is only superficial: a technical success but not yet integrated in the organization’s every-day life.

It is essential that the critical masses have been reached.

Change will start to show positive outcomes when most people belong to the first category – otherwise the change is only superficial: a technical success but not yet integrated in the organization’s every-day life.

It is essential that the critical masses have been reached.

When Knowledge Becomes Power

Knowledge only becomes power once you’re capable of putting the theory into practice

Being powerful implies a mutuality of influence, both sides being able not only influence the other, but also having influence over how they are, in turn influenced.  That’s what they call “Interaction”!

In other words:

“Only in interaction does knowledge become visible and relevant.”

The same goes for talent, as well as other personal qualities.

Your cosy conviction that you are “a talented person” remains a fantasy until you put it into action.

How Birth Order Affects You

 

 

Want some fresh insight into your love personality? Forget about whether you’re a Leo, Pisces or Aquarius; instead, consider whether you’re a first-born, middle child, or baby of the family. If you want to understand how you operate in every kind of relationship, “understanding birth order is a lifesaver,” stresses psychologist Kevin Leman, Ph.D., author of The Birth Order Book. Read on for more insight into your love life:

If you’re an oldest child...
It’s no coincidence that most U.S. Presidents were first-borns, because this is the sign of natural leaders. You’re a take-charge person, so not the type to drive friends and romantic partners crazy asking questions like, “I dunno where we should eat; where do you want to go?” Instead, you’ll make sure you have reservations — and land a prime table, too. And anyone lucky enough to pair up with you won’t spend weeknights wondering whether he or she has Saturday night plans, because “oldest kids are planners,” says Dr. Leman. You’re also old-fashioned (in a good way). You always come through on anniversaries and Valentine’s Day.
Your love challenge: Being more spontaneous. First-borns aren’t the “seize the day” sort (you’re not one to text your sweetie to suggest meeting at this fun café you just walked past). Likewise, “you hate surprises,” Dr. Leman warns. Pity the fool who springs meeting the parents on you or when you thought it was just the two of you going out tonight!
Best match: The youngest child. “It’s a case of opposites attracting,” says Dr. Leman. “You help the last-born be more organized, and the last-born helps you lighten up.”

If you’re a middle child...
Contrary to their reputation as insecure messes (example: Jan Brady), middle kids actually make stable and loyal partners. “One thing you’re not is spoiled,” Dr. Leman says. You probably grew up feeling like you got less attention than your siblings, and that drives you to work for every perk — including a happy relationship. Also in the “positives” category: You’re “a compromiser and negotiator,” Dr. Leman notes, so you’ll give your partner plenty of say in everything from how quickly your relationship progresses to where you go on vacation together. And your romance should be free of daily petty squabbles (middles hate conflict); instead, you try to put others at ease.
Your love challenge: Opening up. Have you ever been told you’re hard to read? “Middle children can be very secretive,” says Dr. Leman. “They got hammered by the first-born and swindled by the baby, so they keep their cards close to their chests.” You’re also not the best communicator when you’re upset. But if you learn to speak up instead of holding your anger in, you’ll have a more harmonious relationship.
Best match: Youngest child. “Middles aren’t as threatened by last-borns as they are by exacting first-borns,” says Dr. Leman, so the odds are good for open communication.

If you’re a youngest child...
You’re all about fun. The most outgoing of all in the birth order spectrum, youngest children live to have a good time (it may be because your parents were more laid-back by the time you came along). On a typical first date you’ll have your date laughing so hard that water shoots out his or her nose. In fact, “most famous comedians are youngest children,” says Dr. Leman. A partial list of famous examples: Jon Stewart, Jim Carrey, Ellen DeGeneres, Steve Martin and Eddie Murphy. And forget ho-hum plans like dinner and a movie; you love to do the unexpected, often on the spur of the moment. You’re the type to take someone to a party only to whisper, “Let’s get out of here” two minutes later... and then convince your date to take a road trip to Atlantic City or Vegas for the weekend.
Your love challenge: “Babies are the least financially dependable,” warns Dr. Leman (it comes from being, well, taken care of all your life). That means your date may be stuck picking up the tab when your credit card is maxed out. Also, some youngest children — not you, of course! — use that last-born charm and charisma to be a bit, ahem, manipulative, says Dr. Leman. That breed of baby will leave a date and sneak off to hit golf balls with pals or something similar, leaving the other person wondering what happened.
Best match: Either the oldest child (they serve as a good counterbalance in a parent-child sort of way) or middle child (they value friendships, so they totally understand why you love being the life of the party).

If you’re an only child...
You’re a rock-solid citizen — and a sweetie. “Only children are super-reliable,” Dr. Leman says. “They’re like oldest children taken to the extreme.” Growing up with only adults made you into a little grown-up early on — meaning you’re serious and dependable. You’re the rare person who will stay up half the night helping a friend or partner prep for a licensing exam or a big work presentation. You’re the type to move your partner’s car so he or she doesn’t get a ticket. Punctual and true to your word, onlies like you never leave a loved one waiting for a call or email. And you’re articulate, too, so your date can expect great conversations that really make a person think.
Your love challenge: Admit it — you’re a bit of a perfectionist. Maybe you send back steaks that aren’t cooked just so or point out a teeny-tiny stain on your date’s sweater. Also, you’re so cautious and pragmatic that you can be very slow to act (i.e., someone else has to make the first move).
Best match: Youngest child, because you balance each other out. The baby of the family adds spontaneity and romance, while you make sure you two aren’t dining by candlelight because the electric bill never got paid.

Washington Needs An Enema!

"What Washington needs is adult supervision."
President Barack Obama

Washington needs an enema starting with the new House Republican majority leader Speaker John Boehner. Boehner and newly elected "Tea Party" republicans have gone too far in threathing a shutdown of the government. With millions of Americans homeless,out of work and our troops at war in Afghanstan, a drawdown in Iraq, unrest around the world and these idiots are determined to play partisan politics.

The president is correct it's time to man up, it should not be business as usual. With our fragile economy and yet unstable housing market and banking system, these fools are so out of touch with the people they say they represent. I challenge them to give up their fat pay checks, warm homes and steak dinners and live like the people they claim they are in Washington to repersent.

Make no mistake about it these politicians are in the pockets of the lobbyists and those who've contributed to their election campaign. Many if not all of these newly elected "Tea Party" cronies haven't got a clue as to what they were sent to Washington for. I mean let's face it there out to be term limits and just because they serve one term they ought not be entitled to retirement benefits or full health care benefits, should they?

Be Frank, Even When You Don’t Mean It.

With life as well as with management, it’s important to have an ‘appreciative’ approach. Focus on what’s going right, not on what’s going wrong. In order to be positive, dealing with positive feedback is an important skill.

Here’s a few things that can go wrong when receiving a compliment:

Trivializing

Reacting as if what you did was easy and not important; “Oh, it wasn’t that big a deal!” Or if someone compliments you on something you’re wearing; “Oh, this is really old…”

Generalizing

When being complimented on an achievement, people often start naming all the other people that contributed; “Thank you, but we wouldn’t have been anywhere if it weren’t for …!”

By reacting this way, you ‘disqualify’ the appreciation that people show for you. This doesn’t only disencourage people from being positive to you in the future, but it also makes it harder to use positive feedback constructively.

Using The Word ‘Feeling’ Doesn’t Mean You’re Talking About It.

Lots of people nowadays go to communication trainings, which is great; learning how to express your feelings and thoughts… But in a relationship this can get pretty exhausting.

In their book ‘Making Your Second Marriage a First Class Success’, Doug and Naomi Mosely write about how people deal with feelings and about the common reproach “he/she doesn’t care about my feelings”.

The word ‘feeling’ doesn’t always mean that you’re about to express any feelings. If you say “I feel like you’re behaving stupidly”, that’s not a feeling but an opinion. But if you say “I get scared when you throw plates at me”, you’re expressing feeling, even though you didn’t actually use the word. The word ‘feeling’ often raises a red flag in people’s minds and scares them off.

Another disturbing phenomenon is interpreting someone else’s thoughts or feelings. Some people feel like they have a great talent for noticing and understanding other people’s signals. They think that they’re great at reading body language, picking up hidden meanings… They’ll say things like “You might say that, but what you actually mean is…”.

But hey, if you’d wanted to say that, you would have…

HOW DO REALLY FELL ABOUT THAT?

A lot of people have trouble dealing with their emotions.

People often blame the way they feel on someone else’s behaviour:

-     I’m angry, because you insulted me.

-     I’m hurt, because you made fun of me.

-     
I’m happy, because you’re so nice to me.

Emotions are often made out to depend on someone else’s behaviour.

But an emotion is something that you create, based on how you feel about a situation. 

If a stranger walks by and says “You never get anything done”, you might be a bit surprised but won’t give it much thought.

But if your boss or partner tells you the same thing, you’ll find it much more important.

 The way you interact with someone can also make you interpret their words differently.

If you’re arguing with someone who then says “You’re a good person”, you’ll probably see it as sarcastic rather than as a compliment.

 Others aren’t responsible for your emotions. You are, by interpreting the people and situations you are confronted with.

Remember that you’re the one holding the keys to your own emotions.

"A Frog Isn’t A Prince Until He Feels Like One"

Confidence is something you probably hardly ever think about, except when you lose it. Because when you do, it can be really hard to get back.

Thinking negatively about yourself is a serious problem. If a physical problem were this important, it would probably be considered an epidemic. 

Confidence isn’t something you get by pumping up your self esteem, but by knowing your own strengths and weaknesses.

Confidence is based on reality and what you say, do and think on a daily basis. It is a basic necessity to appreciate yourself – lack of confidence won’t kill you, but will damage your life.

A confident person has better chances of recovering from difficulties than an insecure person.

How good is your confidence?

The First Half Of Our Life Is Ruined By Our Parents, The Second Part By Our Children.

There are a lot of misconceptions about what makes (or doesn’t make) a person happy. Scientific research shows that people are perfectly capable of knowing whether they’re happy or not. What people usually can’t determine, is what actually makes them happy. Which would explain why so many people disagree on whether having children brings happiness.

Thankfully, a lot of people must think so, otherwise our society would have a problem. No children, no society. That much is clear.

The idealized happiness that children are supposed to bring is often promoted, but it isn’t proven. Many (young) parents have to face the disillusionment when their newfound happiness of become a parent is accompanied by reality: Having children can also bring a lot of problems.

Research shows that the happiness of parents gradually diminishes after the birth of their child, only to come back to it’s original point when the children have left the parental home. Talk about an empty nest syndrome…

You’re Never Too Old To Develop Your Identity

Reflection is the basis for your own development. But reflection doesn’t always come naturally.

Three of the most common reasons why people don’t reflect:

1. The need to focus more on others.

You find it easier or more natural to concentrate on others, and thereby neglect yourself. You’re mainly focused on pleasing other people and have trouble knowing your own limits. Your motto is “After you”. The question is, how long until this gets unhealthy?

2. Lack of rest.

You have a turbulent lifestyle and have trouble ‘standing still’. Resting is so unnatural to you that it would probably make you feel restless! Your motto is “I’m OK, as long as things are happening”.

3.  You’re hesitant to discuss your thoughts and experiences.

This attitude was probably acquired somewhere in your past. The function of it might be protecting yourself from disappointment. The problem is that this attitude works like a self-fulfilling prophecy. By acting in an insecure way, you invite others to do things to you that will confirm your suspicions.

Which behaviour applies to you most?

Spiritual Hunger’s Object—Sanctification

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied. - Matthew 5:6
For the Christian, the object of hungering and thirsting is growth in sanctification, which is a crucial mark of the genuine believer. No one who follows Christ attains complete sanctification until heaven, and to claim otherwise would be the height of presumption. Thus saints in this life always need to strive for more holiness, which will be seen in their lives through obedience to the Word. Paul prayed that the Philippian believers might “abound still more and more in real knowledge and all discernment, so that [they] may approve the things that are excellent, in order to be sincere and blameless until the day of Christ” (Phil. 1:9–10).
The Greek grammar Matthew used in quoting Jesus indicates that righteousness is the unqualified and unlimited object of “hunger and thirst.” Our Lord is describing people who earnestly desire all the righteousness there is (cf. Matt. 5:48; 1 Peter 1:15–16).
In the original text the definite article appears before “righteousness,” which means that Jesus is not speaking of just any general righteousness, but the righteousness—the true one that comes from God. In fact, it is the Father’s very own righteousness that the Son also possesses.
Because we as believers cannot possibly have our longing for godliness satisfied during our earthly lives, we must continually hunger and thirst until the glorious day when we receive the complete clothing of Jesus Christ’s righteousness.
Ask Yourself
Not on Sunday morning but on Tuesday afternoon, on Thursday morning, on Friday night in front of the television—are you hungering for “all the righteousness there is”? Does the call of Christ’s holiness register at off times of day?

Parents Have The Best Job.

From their first days, babies naturally look to their parents or caregivers to respond to them in consistent, sensitive, and loving ways. When babies and children find their caregivers to be responsive, they form secure attachments to them. Secure attachments help give children the confidence to explore their world, learn, and grow. While the early years of infancy are important, attachments can be formed and improved throughout childhood and the teen years.

Feel Like Things Are Going Wrong? Evaulate Your Situation.

Are things not going the way you want them to?
Start by trying not to think “Why isn’t this working?” Accept your disappointment, and move on.
There probably isn’t a good answer as to why things happen the way they do, so it’s better to ask yourself:

• “How can I do better in the future?”
• “How can I break this pattern?”
• “How can I get something good out of this?”

Asking yourself these kind of questions will make your brain do something useful and constructive.
And you should always add the question:
“How can I change the situation and make things better for myself and everyone involved?”

Doubt Is Insight’s Waiting Room

During 300 feet deep excavations in Russia, Russian scientists found the remains of copper wires that were approximately 1000 years old. Based on this find, the Russians concluded that their ancestors had already been using a copper network a thousand years ago!

To keep face, American scientists started digging 600 feet into American soil and found remains of 2000 year-old glass fibre. They concluded that their ancestors had already been using an advanced digital fibre network 2000 years ago, 1000 years before the Russians…

A week later, Belgian scientists published the following report: “After digging 5000 feet into the Belgian ground, Belgian scientists found nothing at all.” The Belgians therefore concluded that the Ancient Belgians were already using a wireless network 5000 years ago.

THINK IT THROUGH

People often make life difficult for themselves by indulging in negative thoughts.
These thoughts are often not based on facts but on outdated ideas and assumptions.

Everyone takes on a certain way of thinking about things from an early age.  The values you absorb (unconsciously) while growing up have a decided influence on your behaviour, your feelings and your sense of well being.

You can reset yourself however by asking yourself the following questions whenever a negative thought pops into your head:
How can I know that for sure?
Are there other possibilities?
Does it really matter?
What’s the point of thinking this if I don’t even know if it’s true?
Does this thought make me any happier?
Is it costing me energy unnecessarily?
Is it possible for me to find another – positive – viewpoint for the situation?
What’s in it for me?
It may seem absurdly simple to ask these questions, but then assumptions you’ve grown up with are absurdly difficult to shift.

Be a Thriver: Steps to Thriving Through Crisis

By Dr. Paul Pearsall

Since the 1980s, psychology has been the study of stress, relaxation, survival, recovery, and, most recently, the resilience response to life's challenges. Its focus has been on coping with stress more than thriving because of it. In the early 1990s, positive psychologists began focusing on the thriving response; not just getting through life, but nurturing yourself, becoming more consciously awake so that you fully engage with it.

Some people respond to trauma or setbacks in their life by remaining diminished in some way by what happened to them. Others show resilience and return to their prior levels of functioning, but it's possible for people to respond to the worst times in their lives by surpassing their prior levels of functioning, and this is the secret of invincibility I'm discussing in this program.

To thrive through crisis, it's helpful to recognize what researchers now see as the six reactions to life's challenges. To understand these, it's helpful for you right now to think about some of the challenges you're facing in your life at this moment. Maybe you'd like to track yourself through these six reactions to these challenges.

The first reaction is a stress response, and it's essential to our survival and actually good for us in moderation. What would life be like with no stress? How boring. Imagine every day of your life with no surprises, no setbacks, no pressures, no mysteries, no mess-ups; everything perfect every day. It may sound like a good life, and I sort of had it when I had cancer. Aside from my cancer, I was being taken care of, fed, no problems, no hassles, everything was predictable, and life was miserable. A good life can become quickly boring if we're not excited by the very negatives that we so often fear.

When we perceive a life event as going beyond our presently conceived level of a capacity to deal with it, we go into fight-or-flight mode. This response doesn't take any thinking at all. It's done for us. That's how we survived in evolution. We are good fighters and flighters, and it happens immediately.

But several years ago, Dr. Herbert Benson at Harvard University described the opposite of the stress response. He called that the relaxation response. This second response in the series is a more mindful reaction. Perhaps you're thinking about what happens to you. Perhaps it's a mental focus, a meditation, a prayer that calms you down and calms the urgently selfish and hot reacting brain that's always driving you on. So first you're stressed, and then maybe you think about it and calm down, and then comes the third phase.

The third reaction is survival. In this mode, the brain shuts down the body systems that we don't immediately need and activates systems we need just to stay alive. It takes a lot of energy to be a survivor, but you've gone now through stress, a little more relaxation and thoughtfulness, and now you're surviving. We sometimes joke by saying, "How are you doing today," and our answer might be, "Ah, surviving."

The fourth reaction is recovery. The body systems return to balance, and the damage done by stress begins to heal. Living in recovery is, in itself, a mild, but chronic, kind of stress response, because it still takes a lot of energy, and just being in recovery is not necessarily developing and growing, unless you put your consciousness to it.

Then comes a very difficult time, a transitional time. This is when you vacillate back and forth between just recovering and moving up toward resilience. Resilience has received a lot of attention in the research. It's bouncing back. Think of a piece of metal you're able to bend and bend and stretch, and then it goes back to where it was.

Many of us then, after going through all of the stress, a little bit of relaxation, surviving, recovering, then we feel we're back to normal. This is a very nice state, but that's not what this program is about. This program is about the sixth response. This is thriving.

Characteristics of thrivers—here's what we found—they emanate a sense of goodness. Have you ever been around them, and they just seem like good people. A palpable quality of being that others notice and agree upon. Does that make sense to you? There's something good about them, people all agree. Transparency between personal and public life. They walk the walk. You've seen therapists who are great with patients, and with their colleagues you want to slap their head. They're not transparent.

Selflessness shown by a total lack of concern about status, fame, or ego. They have no concern for it. That's what characterized the Dalai Lama when I met him. That's what characterized Mother Teresa. Some of the greatest names in our field, that's what characterized them.

Compelling personal presence that others find nourishing. They want to be around them. Does that make sense to you? "I just want to go stand by you." That's how they work. And they have amazing powers of attentiveness and concentration. Laugh and cry easily. These people are easy. They laugh and laugh hard. Anybody heard that laughter increases your endorphins? Do you know that's not true. It is not true in the research. But it does raise your T-cell count triple for 36 hours after a hard guffaw. That's more than 11 ha's in our research. It's got to be hard enough that water comes out of your eyes and other places.

Now we find that people who are abnormal are generally in pretty good shape. So we're going to see how abnormal you are right now. Would you all please stand up and change seats with the person next to you as quickly as possible. Hurry up. Now sit down. Remain standing if you're having an affair. Feel the warmth of the butt that was in that chair. You just had an okole transplant. You see.

Now this group's easy to do that with. But some people won't stand up, number one; some won't give up their seat. Some, when they do, they think, Well, now my stuff's over there. And look who I got next to. I don't want to be next to this person! I'm stuck with them. But now you're stuck with a new person next to you, whether you like it or not.

Thriving, because you are now more awake, alert, and alive, because you fully engaged with a challenge in your life. In this state, we become stronger, more alert, and the body systems fall into balance. We become more synchronized. This is a very, very human state, a very happy state, a very healthy state. But in a stressful world, we sometimes spend most of our time dancing back and forth in the chaos of the stress, of a little relaxation, and then trying to survive, and then trying to recover, trying to get back to normal. And we don't make enough time in our heart, in our mind, in our consciousness to truly thrive, to thrive beyond just the idea of "Oh, life is great and wonderful," and positive affirmations, but to legitimately, spiritually celebrate, to experience profoundly deep gratitude for the privilege of being alive. I call this a naïve gratitude. That means almost like a child looking at trees for the first time, looking at flowers forth... for the first time, looking into the face of someone you love and seeing their eyes clearly, as if for the first time. Sometimes in our aggressive lifestyle, our hyper-culture, our cynicism, we lose our gracious naiveté, and thrivers have discovered it.

There's a woman I met many years ago who's a perfect example of someone who has discovered the secret of invincibility. In Hawaii, we call her Tutu Mama. She was a 100-year-old Hawaiian lady who just passed away. When I finish this program today, I will be speaking at her funeral. I will never forget her, because she taught me much about the thriving character. This is a woman who knew terrible poverty; hid under the bed during Pearl Harbor here in Hawaii while the bombs destroyed everything around her. People she loved, killed. She saw it all and had every reason to be angry, resentful, and broken, but she was not. I never saw her without a smile.

And I thought I'd share with you something that I've almost memorized in my heart, because she sat with me a while ago. She was the lady who gave me my Hawaiian name, Ka'ikena. It means person charged with sharing the vision. I remember when she gave me the name, because I asked her, "Tutu, you suffered so. How can you be so happy, so giving, so loving? How can you laugh so easily? How can you be so strong when so many bad things have happened?"

She looked at me, smiled, took a hold of my ear and tugged on it playfully and laughed. "Poor Ka'ikena," she said. "You have so much to learn. Let me teach you a simple formula for what you call thriving in your own science research, for we have known for centuries what thriving is. I'll tell you how I do it. It's the words of Aloha, A-L-O-H-A. 'A' stands for the word Ahonui. That's persistent patience. Wait; be patient. That brings happiness. Don't be in such a hurry. The world is such a fast-paced place. I find my joy in just sitting, waiting, and listening."

Ahonui, patience expressed with perseverance. Are you a patient person? For example, I have been given permission today to let this lecture go on to 3 p.m., so be ready to stay. See, some of these guys are saying, "You can go on as long as you want, fool. I'm out of here. Plus, I've got to go to the golf course and kill myself. I've got to go out there. I've got to get out there." Patience. People just hurry when they don't have to hurry.

How was it this morning when you woke up in your room? Did you wake up and say, "Oh, a lovely day in paradise? Maybe we meditate together, sweetheart. Come here." Or was it, "Got to get down there! Come on, move, move, move, move, move! Go." Or are you one of these men who said, "Honey, where are my underpants?" Now I'm making fun of men, but we're finding that in our data, men are a problem; they're a problem. They don't get it! My wife Celeste knows how to handle me, though. She does it Hawaiian style, which is always by a question. Hawaiians, even their language ends with a question. You ever hear... "That's how we talk." So she will say to me, "Hey, is that your underwear on the floor?" Now that question means what? Pick that up. See, the women all said it: Pick it up. And I thought, if it's not mine, I have questions for my wife.

But there's that subtle question. "Oh, are you really going…" Men, ever have to live with that? "You're not wearing that, are you?" What do we say? "No, I wouldn't wear this. I was just taking it out for a little walk and then I'll..." The top-level executives in this company, the most highly productive sales people, will sit on that bed and will wait to be dressed. And they'll deny it. Patience. Very important to have patience.

Lead us not into temptation but deliver us from email. Patience! You're not that important. I am so tired of hearing these answering machines. "Hi, I'm not here, but your call is very important to me." Sure it's important to you. Then why the hell aren't you there if it's so important!

My answering machine says this. "Hello." (I then include a phrase in Hawaiian). And then they usually hang up. Or, the next question. "This is not an answering machine; this is a questioning machine. It asks, What do you want? Which is a very important existential question. So reflect carefully before responding." What I hear, usually hear, is, that's it, click, it's gone. That gets rid of a lot of unwanted calls.

I'm so sick of cell phones going off and buzzers going off and beepers in people's pockets, buzzing, buzzz... That's crazy. Very crazy. I was in the airport the other day and a guy next to me was saying, "When I get home I am going to make love to you." I thought he was talking to me. He was talking to his wife on the phone. What's the matter with this man?

So please, people, pick on these people. Don't be a hyper-croniac. Are you a re-button-izer? How many people here push elevator buttons that are already lit? That's stupid! I saw you guys the other night. You walk up to the elevator, they're both lit, 10 people are standing there, you go in front and go pghgh, There, I am the top producer. Ha ha! I will push this elevator... Man. Have you seen the elevator button that says, close door? I spoke to the Otis Elevator company. That is a placebo. That button doesn't work. It's there to quiet you down so you can... push it. Crazy. Now the cynics are going to go out in the elevator, let me just test what he said, cause I don't believe it, okay.

Are you a lane counter? How many people here count the number of items in a person's grocery cart in the express lane to be sure it belongs there? That's sick! Very sick. Are you a lane leaper? Do you see several lines and you tell people, "I'm in all of these. I'm in any one of these." Very sick. Or you go to work and you've been at that traffic light every day of your life, and you think it's broken so you keep going, come on. phghghg. Try to move it. Or do you get in buffet lines, and are you a pelvic pusher? Do you do this? "Come on, lady. Come on." Or escalator hopper, hopping down escalators, they're not fast enough for me. I've got to get down here faster than this. I see people on airplanes, the plane's coming in and they're already standing up bent over like this waiting to get off. What is that about? Why don't you set your okole down and count quarters or something. Now you're all going to be more patient, right?

So never forget the first "A" in Aloha, Ahonui, persistent patience. That will help you thrive.

She said, "You also ask how I stay so happy and smile so often. It's because of the second letter, 'L,' the second word: Lo Kahi. Lo Kahi means harmonious connection." It means staying connected not only with your family, but with your ancestors, the land, and a higher power, and being aware of that connection every day. "Then there's the 'O,' Ka'ikena, Olu'olu. That means pleasantly agreeable." We have to stop fighting. We have to stop the arguing, the cynical negativity. What's happened to us? Please remember; it's very important to choose peace over always trying to be right. "Then comes the 'H' in Aloha, A-L-O-H, Ha'aha'a. That means humbly modest. I think you modern people are too concerned with your self-esteem." What about other regards? What about realizing that it's important sometimes just to shut up and learn from others, not to always be assertive, not always try to get your way, not to be so demanding? Have a good sense of humor; laugh. Never forget laughter.

Now you know the "A," the "L," the "O", and the "H." "Now, Ka'ikena," she said to me, "Never forget Akahai; that means gentle, tender kindness. When you walk, when you talk, when you listen, when you look at a child, when you look at an older person, do you look with kindness? Do you feel kindness? Therein I find my strength. I find it in Aloha.

Memory: Use It Or Lose It.

Getting older? You might’ve already found out the hard way: you can’t avoid memory loss. But you can delay it! That’s right, you can keep your memory (or even improve it) by training it and keeping it in good shape!

How?

Use visual techniques. Make connections between the thing you have to remember and an image that is easy to remember.
Keep your social contacts up. Don’t alienate yourself!
Do aerobics (or any other sport)! People who get a lot of physical exercise are less likely to get Alzheimer, dementia or mental decline. Every form of exercise helps, but intensive exercise three times a week brings the risk down by 40%.
Drink a lot of water; even mild dehydration can make the brain function less good.
Avoid unhealthy stress. Positive stress, such as putting a lot of effort in something your doing, is good.
Last but not least: adopt Mediterranean eating habits, which are proven to be the healthiest eg. using olive oil and drinking moderate quantities of red wine.
So avoid memory loss by being mentally active: use it or lose it!

Cuddle Time

When couples first start dating, cuddling is usually a part of their everyday existence. However, as the relationship progresses or after children enter the picture, the cuddling stops. Take some time just to cuddle. If your mate is sitting on the couch watching a movie, or laying in bed reading, scoot close and tell them that you just want to cuddle. This makes both people feel secure and loved.

Split the Responsibility

Whether dating or married, weekends are always full of errands and chores. If you find that on the weekend things are lopsided, help your mate out. For example, if there are kids involved and one has a soccer game while the other has a baseball game, at the same time, offer to take one of the kids and your mate take the other. Make this a special time by packing a special lunch or snacks. Perhaps one of you has company coming and the house needs to be cleaned, laundry done, and groceries purchased. Set aside something you need done and offer to pitch in to help. Simply say you want to help and ask which of the jobs you can take over. This gesture will show your mate that you really care by sacrificing your time.

People With No Patience Are Always The First To Lose It.

When you understand how you react to conflict it becomes possible to recognise patterns.

Here’s a guide to achieving some insight:

Name conflict situations you experienced:

Within your (original) family
At your school
In your current work-place
Within your present relationship or family

Examine:
Events
The people involved
Your behaviour
Your thoughts and feelings
The choices you made, and what you wanted during it
How your behaviour effected the conflict situation
What you learnt from it
On this basis consider whether there’s a common denominator between the various situations in terms of your behaviour, thoughts and feelings, and the impact that these had during the conflict.

Listening Skills = Better Couple Communication

Exceptional listening skills and the ability to persuade others to your way of thinking make the difference between good and great relationships. 

Pure listening builds trust, intimacy,respect and credibility . One reason is that when you fully listen instead of trying to compose your response, the result is a relevant and on-target response. 

What you say when you do respond is proof of how well you listen to your partner.  It also affirms them, letting them know you are actively engaged and that you have heard what they said.

Just Because

Give your mate gifts ""just because." These do not have to be expensive whatsoever. For example, one woman had a miniature dish collection in her kitchen. Her husband came home and told her that he had a gift for her. Holding out her hand, he gently placed in her hand a miniature porcelain cup with her name neatly written in blue ink. She knew that this cup probably cost no more than $2.00 but the thought that he would take the time to find something she enjoyed, was worth $1 million. The small gifts packed with thought are far more cherished.

Service Interruptions | LeadershipJournal.net

by Mike Woodruff
When I closed my eyes to pray, I was alone on the platform. When I said amen, a man I did not know was standing beside me. He immediately stepped behind a microphone and started talking …

After his sermon, a friend stepped to the communion table. To his surprise he was met there by a woman who immediately shoved all of the communion elements onto the floor …

In the middle of the sermon, a young woman walked onstage, interrupted the pastor, and announced that she had a message from God. When the pastor declined her request to address the congregation, she refused to leave. As two male ushers stepped up to escort her away, she began screaming, "This is just like the church. A bunch of overbearing men oppressing women … "

Guess what? None of these events was on the program. And it's just a matter of time before something like this happens to you. Maybe it won't be someone demanding to speak—it might be someone having a heart attack, or the electricity suddenly going out.

Interruptions happen without warning, but you can be prepared. The real question is: Are you ready? Even if the service comes to a temporary halt, you don't have to lose your ability to lead.

There are several things you can decide right now that will help you and your congregation survive your next unscripted moment.

Keep your cool
In the movie The Apostle, Robert Duvall plays the part of Sonny, a Pentecostal preacher who gets so mad at a member of his congregation that he ends up beating the guy unconscious. While there are moments when this sounds like a wonderful option, it's not the best choice, at least not if you want to keep your job.

While researching this article, I learned of several pastors who lost their composure and then their positions. The result was the same whether they got mad and spoke too hastily—sound technicians and mothers of a crying infants are frequent targets—or if they simply panicked and walked around looking like Chicken Little.

Leadership means keeping your cool, especially if everyone around you is losing theirs. Yelling is never a good idea. Nor is inaction.

Take charge
Alexander Haig is remembered a bit derisively for stepping up to the microphone to claim control in the moments after President Ronald Reagan was shot. While he can be faulted for misconstruing the presidential line of succession, I believe his soldier's instincts were right on. In a crisis, someone needs to lead.

When a worship service spins out of control, the senior pastor or the worship leader needs to step in and assert leadership. The good news is that just about any reasonable and calm action you take will be accepted. When the woman screaming about male oppression was being led out, the senior pastor asked the ushers to let her return to the stage. He then dismissed the congregation so he could talk with her privately.

"All 1,000 people filed out," he said. "And it was the quickest exit I've ever seen." He then invited her to share with him what she wanted to share with everyone. When it turned out that her message was that Brad Pitt was the prophet of God, he was able to get her help and then invite everyone back in. When he explained what happened, the congregation was accepting.

1619: First African Slaves

In 161In 1619, America's first slaves from Africa arrived by 

ship in Jamestown, Virginia. A Dutch trader, who had recently stolen the slaves from a Spanish ship, exchanged them in Jamestown for food. It is possible that these first slaves were actually indentured servants, although the records from the time are not clear. The earliest record of a clearly identified slave is a court order from 1640, stating that the African must "serve his said master or his assigns for the time of his natural life here or elsewhere."9, America's first slaves from Africa arrived by ship in Jamestown, Virginia. A Dutch trader, who had recently stolen the slaves from a Spanish ship, exchanged them in Jamestown for food. It is possible that these first slaves were actually indentured servants, although the records from the time are not clear. The earliest record of a clearly identified slave is a court order from 1640, stating that the African must "serve his said master or his assigns for the time of his natural life here or elsewhere."

I Don’t Mind You Having Your Own Opinion, But I Do Mind That You Think Mine Is Wrong!

In every Church there are people who have different backgrounds, ideas and interests. And these different perspectives can be useful: two heads are better than one.  But different perspectives also lead to disagreement and even conflict. And, if dealt with in the right way, these in turn can lead to innovation.  Harmony is stifling.

Unfortunately people are often so very attached to the idea that they’re in the right that rather than sit round the table to exchange ideas, discuss and argue, they’ll find another way to impose their view. By using their power, or asking the pastor to decide, or – worse still – ignoring all counter arguments.

So if it’s innovation you’re after, study the art of conflict management and servant leadership learn how to take a constructive attitude to differences of opinion.

By seeking to avoid all conflict a Church loses the opportunity to find unique solutions, and to initiate and maintain its energy and grow.

So: conflict equals possibility.

Will today present you with possibilities?

There Will Never Be Enough Time To Do Everything That You Want To.

Slow living” has become a popular phrase in the last few years. It seems that there’s a new urge to resist the rat race and the culture of high-achievement in the work places of the western world.  A global movement has been born: the Slow Life movement.  It started with Carlo Petrini’s Slow Food movement, which seeks alternatives to fast food.  But less speed is also seen as having value in other areas of life.  Slow education and Slow sex are also being promoted.  A less out-of-breath existence you might say!

Slow Life is not about working slower or living lazily.  It simply means taking time for the things, which are of real importance.

Slow Life stands for taking sabbaticals for instance, time for friends and family, living with an awareness of the seasons, and taking time to dream and to allow for unexpected encounters.  Equally it means not getting your knickers in a twist if you have to stand in the queue, or if the train is late!

So, make haste, make haste to join the Slow Movement!

The Stand Up Stewardess.

On my return flight from Orlando to Kansas City last evening, one of the stewardesses spoke into the intercom.

She commented that she had read in a recent news magazine that passengers were becoming disillusioned with the airlines citing reasons from loss of luggage, flight delays, to flight cancellations.

Therefore, the stewardess wanted to do something that would eliminate passenger anxiety. She wanted to tell a joke but felt she wasn’t good enough, so she was going to ask three riddles.

They were:

(1) What do you call cheese that is not yours? The answer: Nacho Cheese
(2) What do you call a cow with no legs at all? The answer: Ground Beef
(3) How much does it cost for a pirate to get his ears pierced? One Buccaneer

Needless to say, her riddles were not going to get her on the Jay Leno Show but there were chuckles throughout the cabin. I probably laughed the loudest.

Leadership lesson: A little humor can go a long way in easing the slightest bit of tension.

Laziness Is Nothing More Than The Habit Of Resting Before You Get Tired.

For many of us the weekend is time to regroup, to refresh body and mind in readiness for another week of work and stress.

But which activities are most suitable to achieve this end, and how may they be “fitted in” with the many things that must be done?

The answer is simplicity itself  – yes it literally is “simplicity”: doing one thing at a time and focusing entirely on that one thing.

Just letting your mind wander while you sit on the couch may not be as relaxing as you think – brain-wise that is.

The latest research into brain patterns through MRI demonstrates that in day dreaming many parts are “lit up” all over the brain at the same time.  This is akin to the activity observed when the subject is undergoing stress.  The brain of someone who is meditating however shows activity of a more consistent nature in one central area.  This is, apparently more “restful” for the brain, and thereby also for the rest of the body.

It’s sometimes called Mindfulness, or staying in the moment.

Whatever you’re doing: shopping, sporting, preparing food, organising the household, washing the car … just make sure you really give it your full attention.  Experience every aspect of the activity: the smells, the feel of what you touch, and if any emotions arise, feel them then let them go before your mind wanders off into the past or the future.

The Common Problem With Communication Is The Illusion That It Was Successful.

No doubt you know people that want everyone to like them. Is that what you want too?

A few simple phrases that work like magic:

Bond, James Bond

Repeating your own name (it can be your first or your last name, depending on which one you’d want people to remember) when introducing yourself makes the person you’re talking to remember it better.


I’ve heard good things about you

Everyone enjoys being well-known, even if only in a small group of people. By making someone know that others like them, it makes that someone like you back. Also, it will make them curious: ‘what good things?’

I’m looking forward to it

If you have another appointment with someone, whether it’s a business lunch or family reunion, by saying that you look forward to it you’re giving the impression that it’s more than just a routine appointment.

We have something in common

Nothing gives a better connection than having something in common. The same car, the same favourite restaurant or love for a certain kind of music.

Good phrases to use while socialising!

Be Productive And Intenotional.

Taking initiative does not mean being pushy, obnoxious, or aggressive. It does mean recognizing our responsibility to make things happen.

 Successful individuals have an intentional way of doing things, they know what they are doing. They know why they are doing it and they know when to do it.

Don't Listen To Those Voices In Your Head.

People often make life difficult for themselves by indulging in negative thoughts.

These thoughts are often not base don facts but on outdated ideas and assumptions.

Everyone takes on a certain way of thinking about things from an early age.  The values you absorb (unconsciously) while growing up have a decided influence on your behaviour, your feelings and your sense of well being.

You can reset yourself however by asking yourself the following questions whenever a negative thought pops into your head:

How can I know that for sure?
Are there other possibilities?
Does it really matter?
What’s the point of thinking this if I don’t even know if it’s true?
Does this thought make me any happier?
Is it costing me energy unnecessarily?
Is it possible for me to find another – positive – viewpoint for the situation?
What’s in it for me?
It may seem absurdly simple to ask these questions, but then assumptions you’ve grown up with are absurdly

INTEGRITY

Integrity is perhaps the most important part of a man’s character and is the essential cornerstone in the foundation for building a meaningful life. It’s doing the right thing, even if no one else is watching or will ever know the difference.

“In matters of principle, stand like a rock.” -Thomas Jefferson According to the dictionary, integrity is:the quality of being honest and having strong moral principles; moral uprightness he is known to be a man of integrity.

We commonly define integrity as the quality of having an intuitive sense of honesty and truthfulness in regard to the motivations for one’s actions. It’s when our inner beliefs and the outer person we show to the world are a perfect match, in our thoughts, words and deeds.

Integrity is having the power to say “No” when “Yes” might be an easier answer and to be honest, not only with others, but to ourselves as well.

A life lacking integrity is like a boat without a rudder- aimlessly wandering, depending upon which way the wind blows. Integrity is holding fast to our convictions regardless of the consequences and never compromising our ideals or values, even if it affects the bottom line.
Integrity is one of the most important parts of life, for without integrity, little else matters.

“Integrity is what we do, what we say, and what we say we do.”

Selective Vision

We don’t see things as they are; we see things as we are.  The way we observe life confirms our own ideas about how people and things are.

If someone irritates you, then you constantly see in their behaviour proof that they are, in fact, irritating. Thus you can blame them if, for example, the cooperation between you doesn’t go exactly as desired.

This selective observation may justifiably be termed ’self-deception’. You cheat, as it were, on yourself by going into tunnel vision. In a way, everyone does this because everyone observes his or her environment selectively.

We see imperfectly, or “through a glass darkly”. We seek to legitimize our opinion of ourselves and of others. The more you observe selectively, the more you are trying to score points for yourself instead of connecting with the other person.. Are you aware of what goes on outside the tunnel?

"TODAY"

If today were my last day on Earth and I could share 500 words of brilliance with the world, here are the important things I'd want to pass along to others...

I think, we can all agree, life is getting tough. It seems as if everything around us is collapsing, and crumbling before our very eyes. Many people are uncertain about the future, money, relationships, health, and careers. In fact, we are beginning to question the very nature of life itself.

In these uneasy times, even as a world-renown motivator, my advice is simply: When things go wrong, don't go with them. Have you watched the news lately? It's quite depressing isn't it? With all of this mess going on around us, you have to monitor your mind and mouth. I'm not oblivious to shocking headlines and a poor economy, but I can't consume myself with it because, whatever you focus on the longest becomes the strongest.

Everyone has one friend who calls with nothing but bad news. I have to talk to people who see opportunities in the eye of the storm. Not the person who advises me to put my money under a mattress, or recommends taking self-defense classes because crime rates are increasing. I have to observe my surroundings for mental protection or else, I'd be afraid to live!

Elise Robinson said, Things may happen around you and things may happen to you, but the only thing that matters is what happens in you. In the midst of chaos, you have to brace yourself, build your faith, feed your mind with positive materials, and seek opportunities you've never considered before. You should be getting stronger, smarter, and strategizing to launch a new life, blindsiding everyone with your success and tenacity.

In times like these, we have to look for opportunities and act fast like never before. I agree with speaker Steve Duncan, Opportunity stands by silently, waiting for us to recognize it. And remember, opportunities may not come in cute, carefully wrapped packages. Opportunities may come in defeats, setbacks, and failures.

Dr. Robert Schuller once said, Tough times never last, but tough people do. Make no mistake about it, times are tough, but you are tougher. What are the odds of surviving 400 million sperm? Those are the odds you beat to get here! You are resilient beyond your wildest imagination. Stop looking at the circumstances around you and as Tony Robbins would say, bring out the Giant Within.

Lastly, find your true self. We live within the conversations in our heads and the recommendations of others. For years, I operated as DT, which was my childhood nickname meaning, the dumb twin. Believe it or not, I answered to it!. There was one person, my former teacher, who interrupted the years of negativity and low expectations for me by saying, Never let someone's opinion of you become your reality.

Les Brown

Thoughts Lead To Actions

"You may believe that you are responsible for what you do, but not for what you think. The truth is that you are responsible for what you think, because it is only at this level that you can exercise choice. What you do comes from what you think."

 Quote from A Course in Miracles

The difference between a groove and grave is a question of depth.

Whether you’re in a groove or a grave depends on how easily you can get out of it.
Patterns and regular habits; we all have them.  Whether it’s the usual route home or the daily household chores, it’s just a more convenient way of getting things done. If we had to relearn peeling potatoes each time we did it, we’d never get around to learning new, more interesting skills.

But everyone has a few areas where they’ve simply got stuck, and this can cause trouble.  It’s easy to underestimate how ingrained such patterns can become as they were often developed way back in our earliest childhood.

The impact of this type of groove on your development can often become apparent during relationships. Staying “in the groove” can mean standing still.

Biography of Malcolm X

Malcolm X was born Malcolm Little on May 19, 1925 in Omaha, Nebraska. His mother, Louis Norton Little, was a homemaker occupied with the family's eight children. His father, Earl Little, was an outspoken Baptist minister and avid supporter of Black Nationalist leader Marcus Garvey. Earl's civil rights activism prompted death threats from the white supremacist organization Black Legion, forcing the family to relocate twice before Malcolm's fourth birthday. Regardless of the Little's efforts to elude the Legion, in 1929 their Lansing, Michigan home was burned to the ground, and two years later Earl's mutilated body was found lying across the town's trolley tracks. Police ruled both accidents, but the Little's were certain that members of the Black Legion were responsible. Louise had an emotional breakdown several years after the death of her husband and was committed to a mental institution. Her children were split up amongst various foster homes and orphanages.

Malcolm was a smart, focused student and graduated from junior high at the top of his class. However, when a favorite teacher told Malcolm his dream of becoming a lawyer was "no realistic goal for a nigger," Malcolm lost interest in school. He dropped out, spent some time in Boston, Massachusetts working various odd jobs, and then traveled to Harlem, New York where he committed petty crimes. By 1942 Malcolm was coordinating various narcotic, prostitution and gambling rings.

Eventually Malcolm and his buddy, Malcolm "Shorty" Jarvis, moved back to Boston, where they were arrested and convicted on burglary charges in 1946. Malcolm placated himself by using the seven-year prison sentence to further his education. It was during this period of self-enlightenment that Malcolm's brother Reginald visited and discussed his recent conversion to the Muslim religious organization the Nation of Islam. Intrigued, Malcolm studied the teachings of Nation of Islam leader Elijah Muhammad. Muhammad taught that white society actively worked to keep African-Americans from empowering themselves and achieving political, economic and social success. Among other goals, the Nation of Islam fought for a state of their own, separate from one inhabited by white people. By the time he was paroled in 1952, Malcolm was a devoted follower with the new surname "X." He considered "Little" a slave name and chose the "X" to signify his lost tribal name.

Malcolm was appointed a minister and national spokesman for the Nation of Islam. Elijah Muhammad also charged him with establishing new mosques in cities such as Detroit, Michigan and Harlem, New York. Malcolm utilized newspaper columns, radio and television to communicate the Nation of Islam's message across the United States. His charisma, drive and conviction attracted an astounding number of new members. Malcolm was largely credited with increasing membership in the Nation of Islam from 500 in 1952 to 30,000 in 1963.

The crowds and controversy surrounding Malcolm made him a media magnet. He was featured in a week-long television special with Mike Wallace in 1959, The Hate That Hate Produced, that explored fundamentals of the Nation of Islam and Malcolm's emergence as one of its most important leaders. After the special, Malcolm was faced with the uncomfortable reality that his fame had eclipsed that of his mentor Elijah Muhammad.

Racial tensions ran increasingly high during the early 1960s. In addition to the media, Malcolm's vivid personality had captured the government's attention. As membership in the Nation of Islam continued to grow, FBI (Federal Bureau of Investigation) agents infiltrated the organization (one even acted at Malcolm's bodyguard) and secretly placed bugs, wiretaps and cameras surveillance equipment to monitor the group's activities.

Malcolm's faith was dealt a crushing blow at the height of the civil rights movement in 1963. He learned that Elijah Muhammad was secretly having relations with as many as six women in the Nation of Islam, some of which had resulted in children. Since his conversion Malcolm had strictly adhered to the teachings of Muhammad, including remaining celibate until his marriage to Betty Shabazz in 1958. Malcolm refused Muhammad's request to keep the matter quiet. He was deeply hurt by the deception of Muhammad, whom he had considered a prophet, and felt guilty about the masses he had lead into what he now felt was a fraudulent organization.


When Malcolm received criticism after the assassination of President John F. Kennedy for saying, "[Kennedy] never foresaw that the chickens would come home to roost so soon," Muhammad "silenced" him for 90 days. Malcolm suspected he was silenced for another reason. In March 1964 he terminated his relationship with the Nation of Islam and founded the Muslim Mosque, Inc.

That same year, Malcolm went on a pilgrimage to Mecca, Saudi Arabia. The trip proved life altering, as Malcolm met "blonde-haired, blued-eyed men I could call my brothers." He returned to the United States with a new outlook on integration. This time, instead of just preaching to African-Americans, he had a message for all races.

Relations between Malcolm and the Nation of Islam had become volatile after he renounced Elijah Muhammad. Informants working in the Nation of Islam warned that Malcolm had been marked for assassination (one man had even been ordered to help plant a bomb in his car). After repeated attempts on his life, Malcolm rarely traveled anywhere without bodyguards. On February 14, 1965 the home where Malcolm, Betty and their four daughters lived in East Elmhurst, New York was firebombed (the family escaped physical injury).

At a speaking engagement in the Manhattan's Audubon Ballroom on February 21, 1965 three gunmen rushed Malcolm onstage and shot him 15 times at close range. The 39-year-old was pronounced dead on arrival at New York's Columbia Presbyterian Hospital. Fifteen hundred people attended Malcolm's funeral in Harlem at the Faith Temple Church of God in Christ on February 27, 1965. After the ceremony, friends took the shovels from the gravediggers and buried Malcolm themselves. Later that year, Betty gave birth to their twin daughters.

Malcolm's assassins, Talmadge Hayer, Norman 3X Butler and Thomas 15X Johnson were convicted of first-degree murder in March 1966. The three men were all members of the Nation of Islam.

The legacy of Malcolm X has moved through generations as the subject of numerous documentaries, books and movies. A tremendous resurgence of interest occurred in 1992 when director Spike Lee released the acclaimed Malcolm X movie. The film received Oscar nominations for Best Actor (Denzel Washington) and Best Costume Design.

Malcolm X is buried at the Ferncliff Cemetery in Hartsdale, New York.