I Don’t Mind You Having Your Own Opinion, But I Do Mind That You Think Mine Is Wrong!

In every Church there are people who have different backgrounds, ideas and interests. And these different perspectives can be useful: two heads are better than one.  But different perspectives also lead to disagreement and even conflict. And, if dealt with in the right way, these in turn can lead to innovation.  Harmony is stifling.

Unfortunately people are often so very attached to the idea that they’re in the right that rather than sit round the table to exchange ideas, discuss and argue, they’ll find another way to impose their view. By using their power, or asking the pastor to decide, or – worse still – ignoring all counter arguments.

So if it’s innovation you’re after, study the art of conflict management and servant leadership learn how to take a constructive attitude to differences of opinion.

By seeking to avoid all conflict a Church loses the opportunity to find unique solutions, and to initiate and maintain its energy and grow.

So: conflict equals possibility.

Will today present you with possibilities?

There Will Never Be Enough Time To Do Everything That You Want To.

Slow living” has become a popular phrase in the last few years. It seems that there’s a new urge to resist the rat race and the culture of high-achievement in the work places of the western world.  A global movement has been born: the Slow Life movement.  It started with Carlo Petrini’s Slow Food movement, which seeks alternatives to fast food.  But less speed is also seen as having value in other areas of life.  Slow education and Slow sex are also being promoted.  A less out-of-breath existence you might say!

Slow Life is not about working slower or living lazily.  It simply means taking time for the things, which are of real importance.

Slow Life stands for taking sabbaticals for instance, time for friends and family, living with an awareness of the seasons, and taking time to dream and to allow for unexpected encounters.  Equally it means not getting your knickers in a twist if you have to stand in the queue, or if the train is late!

So, make haste, make haste to join the Slow Movement!

The Stand Up Stewardess.

On my return flight from Orlando to Kansas City last evening, one of the stewardesses spoke into the intercom.

She commented that she had read in a recent news magazine that passengers were becoming disillusioned with the airlines citing reasons from loss of luggage, flight delays, to flight cancellations.

Therefore, the stewardess wanted to do something that would eliminate passenger anxiety. She wanted to tell a joke but felt she wasn’t good enough, so she was going to ask three riddles.

They were:

(1) What do you call cheese that is not yours? The answer: Nacho Cheese
(2) What do you call a cow with no legs at all? The answer: Ground Beef
(3) How much does it cost for a pirate to get his ears pierced? One Buccaneer

Needless to say, her riddles were not going to get her on the Jay Leno Show but there were chuckles throughout the cabin. I probably laughed the loudest.

Leadership lesson: A little humor can go a long way in easing the slightest bit of tension.

Laziness Is Nothing More Than The Habit Of Resting Before You Get Tired.

For many of us the weekend is time to regroup, to refresh body and mind in readiness for another week of work and stress.

But which activities are most suitable to achieve this end, and how may they be “fitted in” with the many things that must be done?

The answer is simplicity itself  – yes it literally is “simplicity”: doing one thing at a time and focusing entirely on that one thing.

Just letting your mind wander while you sit on the couch may not be as relaxing as you think – brain-wise that is.

The latest research into brain patterns through MRI demonstrates that in day dreaming many parts are “lit up” all over the brain at the same time.  This is akin to the activity observed when the subject is undergoing stress.  The brain of someone who is meditating however shows activity of a more consistent nature in one central area.  This is, apparently more “restful” for the brain, and thereby also for the rest of the body.

It’s sometimes called Mindfulness, or staying in the moment.

Whatever you’re doing: shopping, sporting, preparing food, organising the household, washing the car … just make sure you really give it your full attention.  Experience every aspect of the activity: the smells, the feel of what you touch, and if any emotions arise, feel them then let them go before your mind wanders off into the past or the future.

The Common Problem With Communication Is The Illusion That It Was Successful.

No doubt you know people that want everyone to like them. Is that what you want too?

A few simple phrases that work like magic:

Bond, James Bond

Repeating your own name (it can be your first or your last name, depending on which one you’d want people to remember) when introducing yourself makes the person you’re talking to remember it better.


I’ve heard good things about you

Everyone enjoys being well-known, even if only in a small group of people. By making someone know that others like them, it makes that someone like you back. Also, it will make them curious: ‘what good things?’

I’m looking forward to it

If you have another appointment with someone, whether it’s a business lunch or family reunion, by saying that you look forward to it you’re giving the impression that it’s more than just a routine appointment.

We have something in common

Nothing gives a better connection than having something in common. The same car, the same favourite restaurant or love for a certain kind of music.

Good phrases to use while socialising!

Be Productive And Intenotional.

Taking initiative does not mean being pushy, obnoxious, or aggressive. It does mean recognizing our responsibility to make things happen.

 Successful individuals have an intentional way of doing things, they know what they are doing. They know why they are doing it and they know when to do it.

Don't Listen To Those Voices In Your Head.

People often make life difficult for themselves by indulging in negative thoughts.

These thoughts are often not base don facts but on outdated ideas and assumptions.

Everyone takes on a certain way of thinking about things from an early age.  The values you absorb (unconsciously) while growing up have a decided influence on your behaviour, your feelings and your sense of well being.

You can reset yourself however by asking yourself the following questions whenever a negative thought pops into your head:

How can I know that for sure?
Are there other possibilities?
Does it really matter?
What’s the point of thinking this if I don’t even know if it’s true?
Does this thought make me any happier?
Is it costing me energy unnecessarily?
Is it possible for me to find another – positive – viewpoint for the situation?
What’s in it for me?
It may seem absurdly simple to ask these questions, but then assumptions you’ve grown up with are absurdly

INTEGRITY

Integrity is perhaps the most important part of a man’s character and is the essential cornerstone in the foundation for building a meaningful life. It’s doing the right thing, even if no one else is watching or will ever know the difference.

“In matters of principle, stand like a rock.” -Thomas Jefferson According to the dictionary, integrity is:the quality of being honest and having strong moral principles; moral uprightness he is known to be a man of integrity.

We commonly define integrity as the quality of having an intuitive sense of honesty and truthfulness in regard to the motivations for one’s actions. It’s when our inner beliefs and the outer person we show to the world are a perfect match, in our thoughts, words and deeds.

Integrity is having the power to say “No” when “Yes” might be an easier answer and to be honest, not only with others, but to ourselves as well.

A life lacking integrity is like a boat without a rudder- aimlessly wandering, depending upon which way the wind blows. Integrity is holding fast to our convictions regardless of the consequences and never compromising our ideals or values, even if it affects the bottom line.
Integrity is one of the most important parts of life, for without integrity, little else matters.

“Integrity is what we do, what we say, and what we say we do.”

Selective Vision

We don’t see things as they are; we see things as we are.  The way we observe life confirms our own ideas about how people and things are.

If someone irritates you, then you constantly see in their behaviour proof that they are, in fact, irritating. Thus you can blame them if, for example, the cooperation between you doesn’t go exactly as desired.

This selective observation may justifiably be termed ’self-deception’. You cheat, as it were, on yourself by going into tunnel vision. In a way, everyone does this because everyone observes his or her environment selectively.

We see imperfectly, or “through a glass darkly”. We seek to legitimize our opinion of ourselves and of others. The more you observe selectively, the more you are trying to score points for yourself instead of connecting with the other person.. Are you aware of what goes on outside the tunnel?

"TODAY"

If today were my last day on Earth and I could share 500 words of brilliance with the world, here are the important things I'd want to pass along to others...

I think, we can all agree, life is getting tough. It seems as if everything around us is collapsing, and crumbling before our very eyes. Many people are uncertain about the future, money, relationships, health, and careers. In fact, we are beginning to question the very nature of life itself.

In these uneasy times, even as a world-renown motivator, my advice is simply: When things go wrong, don't go with them. Have you watched the news lately? It's quite depressing isn't it? With all of this mess going on around us, you have to monitor your mind and mouth. I'm not oblivious to shocking headlines and a poor economy, but I can't consume myself with it because, whatever you focus on the longest becomes the strongest.

Everyone has one friend who calls with nothing but bad news. I have to talk to people who see opportunities in the eye of the storm. Not the person who advises me to put my money under a mattress, or recommends taking self-defense classes because crime rates are increasing. I have to observe my surroundings for mental protection or else, I'd be afraid to live!

Elise Robinson said, Things may happen around you and things may happen to you, but the only thing that matters is what happens in you. In the midst of chaos, you have to brace yourself, build your faith, feed your mind with positive materials, and seek opportunities you've never considered before. You should be getting stronger, smarter, and strategizing to launch a new life, blindsiding everyone with your success and tenacity.

In times like these, we have to look for opportunities and act fast like never before. I agree with speaker Steve Duncan, Opportunity stands by silently, waiting for us to recognize it. And remember, opportunities may not come in cute, carefully wrapped packages. Opportunities may come in defeats, setbacks, and failures.

Dr. Robert Schuller once said, Tough times never last, but tough people do. Make no mistake about it, times are tough, but you are tougher. What are the odds of surviving 400 million sperm? Those are the odds you beat to get here! You are resilient beyond your wildest imagination. Stop looking at the circumstances around you and as Tony Robbins would say, bring out the Giant Within.

Lastly, find your true self. We live within the conversations in our heads and the recommendations of others. For years, I operated as DT, which was my childhood nickname meaning, the dumb twin. Believe it or not, I answered to it!. There was one person, my former teacher, who interrupted the years of negativity and low expectations for me by saying, Never let someone's opinion of you become your reality.

Les Brown

Thoughts Lead To Actions

"You may believe that you are responsible for what you do, but not for what you think. The truth is that you are responsible for what you think, because it is only at this level that you can exercise choice. What you do comes from what you think."

 Quote from A Course in Miracles

The difference between a groove and grave is a question of depth.

Whether you’re in a groove or a grave depends on how easily you can get out of it.
Patterns and regular habits; we all have them.  Whether it’s the usual route home or the daily household chores, it’s just a more convenient way of getting things done. If we had to relearn peeling potatoes each time we did it, we’d never get around to learning new, more interesting skills.

But everyone has a few areas where they’ve simply got stuck, and this can cause trouble.  It’s easy to underestimate how ingrained such patterns can become as they were often developed way back in our earliest childhood.

The impact of this type of groove on your development can often become apparent during relationships. Staying “in the groove” can mean standing still.

Biography of Malcolm X

Malcolm X was born Malcolm Little on May 19, 1925 in Omaha, Nebraska. His mother, Louis Norton Little, was a homemaker occupied with the family's eight children. His father, Earl Little, was an outspoken Baptist minister and avid supporter of Black Nationalist leader Marcus Garvey. Earl's civil rights activism prompted death threats from the white supremacist organization Black Legion, forcing the family to relocate twice before Malcolm's fourth birthday. Regardless of the Little's efforts to elude the Legion, in 1929 their Lansing, Michigan home was burned to the ground, and two years later Earl's mutilated body was found lying across the town's trolley tracks. Police ruled both accidents, but the Little's were certain that members of the Black Legion were responsible. Louise had an emotional breakdown several years after the death of her husband and was committed to a mental institution. Her children were split up amongst various foster homes and orphanages.

Malcolm was a smart, focused student and graduated from junior high at the top of his class. However, when a favorite teacher told Malcolm his dream of becoming a lawyer was "no realistic goal for a nigger," Malcolm lost interest in school. He dropped out, spent some time in Boston, Massachusetts working various odd jobs, and then traveled to Harlem, New York where he committed petty crimes. By 1942 Malcolm was coordinating various narcotic, prostitution and gambling rings.

Eventually Malcolm and his buddy, Malcolm "Shorty" Jarvis, moved back to Boston, where they were arrested and convicted on burglary charges in 1946. Malcolm placated himself by using the seven-year prison sentence to further his education. It was during this period of self-enlightenment that Malcolm's brother Reginald visited and discussed his recent conversion to the Muslim religious organization the Nation of Islam. Intrigued, Malcolm studied the teachings of Nation of Islam leader Elijah Muhammad. Muhammad taught that white society actively worked to keep African-Americans from empowering themselves and achieving political, economic and social success. Among other goals, the Nation of Islam fought for a state of their own, separate from one inhabited by white people. By the time he was paroled in 1952, Malcolm was a devoted follower with the new surname "X." He considered "Little" a slave name and chose the "X" to signify his lost tribal name.

Malcolm was appointed a minister and national spokesman for the Nation of Islam. Elijah Muhammad also charged him with establishing new mosques in cities such as Detroit, Michigan and Harlem, New York. Malcolm utilized newspaper columns, radio and television to communicate the Nation of Islam's message across the United States. His charisma, drive and conviction attracted an astounding number of new members. Malcolm was largely credited with increasing membership in the Nation of Islam from 500 in 1952 to 30,000 in 1963.

The crowds and controversy surrounding Malcolm made him a media magnet. He was featured in a week-long television special with Mike Wallace in 1959, The Hate That Hate Produced, that explored fundamentals of the Nation of Islam and Malcolm's emergence as one of its most important leaders. After the special, Malcolm was faced with the uncomfortable reality that his fame had eclipsed that of his mentor Elijah Muhammad.

Racial tensions ran increasingly high during the early 1960s. In addition to the media, Malcolm's vivid personality had captured the government's attention. As membership in the Nation of Islam continued to grow, FBI (Federal Bureau of Investigation) agents infiltrated the organization (one even acted at Malcolm's bodyguard) and secretly placed bugs, wiretaps and cameras surveillance equipment to monitor the group's activities.

Malcolm's faith was dealt a crushing blow at the height of the civil rights movement in 1963. He learned that Elijah Muhammad was secretly having relations with as many as six women in the Nation of Islam, some of which had resulted in children. Since his conversion Malcolm had strictly adhered to the teachings of Muhammad, including remaining celibate until his marriage to Betty Shabazz in 1958. Malcolm refused Muhammad's request to keep the matter quiet. He was deeply hurt by the deception of Muhammad, whom he had considered a prophet, and felt guilty about the masses he had lead into what he now felt was a fraudulent organization.


When Malcolm received criticism after the assassination of President John F. Kennedy for saying, "[Kennedy] never foresaw that the chickens would come home to roost so soon," Muhammad "silenced" him for 90 days. Malcolm suspected he was silenced for another reason. In March 1964 he terminated his relationship with the Nation of Islam and founded the Muslim Mosque, Inc.

That same year, Malcolm went on a pilgrimage to Mecca, Saudi Arabia. The trip proved life altering, as Malcolm met "blonde-haired, blued-eyed men I could call my brothers." He returned to the United States with a new outlook on integration. This time, instead of just preaching to African-Americans, he had a message for all races.

Relations between Malcolm and the Nation of Islam had become volatile after he renounced Elijah Muhammad. Informants working in the Nation of Islam warned that Malcolm had been marked for assassination (one man had even been ordered to help plant a bomb in his car). After repeated attempts on his life, Malcolm rarely traveled anywhere without bodyguards. On February 14, 1965 the home where Malcolm, Betty and their four daughters lived in East Elmhurst, New York was firebombed (the family escaped physical injury).

At a speaking engagement in the Manhattan's Audubon Ballroom on February 21, 1965 three gunmen rushed Malcolm onstage and shot him 15 times at close range. The 39-year-old was pronounced dead on arrival at New York's Columbia Presbyterian Hospital. Fifteen hundred people attended Malcolm's funeral in Harlem at the Faith Temple Church of God in Christ on February 27, 1965. After the ceremony, friends took the shovels from the gravediggers and buried Malcolm themselves. Later that year, Betty gave birth to their twin daughters.

Malcolm's assassins, Talmadge Hayer, Norman 3X Butler and Thomas 15X Johnson were convicted of first-degree murder in March 1966. The three men were all members of the Nation of Islam.

The legacy of Malcolm X has moved through generations as the subject of numerous documentaries, books and movies. A tremendous resurgence of interest occurred in 1992 when director Spike Lee released the acclaimed Malcolm X movie. The film received Oscar nominations for Best Actor (Denzel Washington) and Best Costume Design.

Malcolm X is buried at the Ferncliff Cemetery in Hartsdale, New York.

National Marriage Week Feburay 7-14

Marriage Week is a creative campaign that occurs during the Valentine's Day holiday in an attempt to deepen and extend this day in the minds of couples. Instead of greeting card sentiments and candy hearts, couples are encouraged to take advantage of opportunities for honest relationship validation and enrichment.

Realistic Expectations

No matter how wonderful and flawless your mate seems, no one is perfect. Be careful about putting someone on a pedestal, especially in the early stages of your relationship. Make sure that the expectations you have for your mate and yourself are realistic. There are going to be differences in opinion, and probably some disagreements.

Also, do not assume that your mate knows how you feel or what you think about something. When discussing something important to you, ensure that you both understand the same thing. The reality is that neither one of you is going to know exactly what the other one needs. As long as you do not expect them to read your mind and accept that this is a part of getting to know one another and communicating, you will be fine.

Three Questions to Ask Your Spouse. They'll open doors for better communication and a stronger relationship.

1. Is there anything that I need to apologize for? (i.e. Did I do anything that hurt you?)

2. Is there anything you need from me that you're not getting?

3. How can I be a better spouse?

Trust

If something has happened in your relationship causing the trust to waiver, you will have many things to work through. When your mate has done something that requires you to forgive, you have to forgive, REALLY forgive. Once you have worked through the issue either together or with professional counseling, and you tell them that you forgive them, you can never hold that over them again. As an example, if your mate has had an affair and the two of you choose to work it out rather than throw the relationship away, once the problems are resolved and the forgiveness is said, it is done! This means that you cannot stalk your mate to ensure they are where they said they would be, call or page them throughout the day, constantly ask for reaffirmation of your relationship, it means that you forgive and put the past behind you and then move on in a new, strong, and healthy relationship. It will not be easy, but you can do it with the right help, attitude, and commitment.

I Forgive You

If something has happened in your relationship causing the trust to waiver, you will have many things to work through. When your mate has done something that requires you to forgive, you have to forgive, REALLY forgive. Once you have worked through the issue either together or with professional counseling, and you tell them that you forgive them, you can never hold that over them again. As an example, if your mate has had an affair and the two of you choose to work it out rather than throw the relationship away, once the problems are resolved and the forgiveness is said, it is done! This means that you cannot stalk your mate to ensure they are where they said they would be, call or page them throughout the day, constantly ask for reaffirmation of your relationship, it means that you forgive and put the past behind you and then move on in a new, strong, and healthy relationship. It will not be easy, but you can do it with the right help, attitude, and commitment.

FRIENDSHIP

We have all heard of people who have not spoken to an old friend or family member for so many years that they have forgotten how the fight started in the first place. When friendships seem impossible to mend, we need more than conflict resolution skills. If you wish you could push a reset button and start all over in one of your friendships, this lesson is for you. Though you cannot change the past, you can make a fresh start. In this lesson you will discover from Scripture how to restore broken friendships.

Starter

1. What are some of the reasons people use to justify holding a grudge against a friend?

2. Why is it so difficult to admit when we are wrong and ask for forgiveness from a friend?

Study

Read the following sets of Bible passages and application notes. Answer the questions for each set before moving on to the next.

Philemon 1:10-11, 17-21

From his prison cell, Paul had led Onesimus to the Lord. Paul then asked Philemon to forgive Onesimus, his runaway slave, and to accept him as a brother. Even though Philemon had the legal right to kill Onesimus, Paul encouraged Philemon to put aside his own rights for the sake of Onesimus, his new brother in Christ. At times, we must also put aside our own rights for the sake of our friends, even when we think we deserve better from them.

3. In light of this story, what responsibility do we have to help our friends be reconciled to others with whom they have had conflicts?

4. When has someone encouraged or helped you restore a broken friendship?

5. What does it take to reestablish trust with someone who has made a major mistake or betrayed you in some way?

6. What can you do if you feel it is impossible to forgive a friend?

Matthew 6:14-15

It is easy to ask God for forgiveness, but it is often difficult to grant it to a friend who has deeply hurt us. But having received forgiveness from God, we should want to pass it on to others. We, however, must rely on the Holy Spirit to help us forgive our friends, even when we may not feel like it or believe they do not deserve it. Remember, forgiveness is more an action than a feeling.

7. What does our unwillingness to forgive a friend reveal about us?

8. How have your disputes with your friends impacted your relationship with God?

9. What is keeping you from offering forgiveness to a friend?

10. How does this passage challenge you to change your attitude or actions?

Proverbs 10:12; 17:9

Scripture encourages us to willingly forgive others who sin against us. Covering over offenses is necessary to any friendship. It is tempting, especially in an argument, to bring up all the mistakes the other person has ever made. A true friend, however, keeps his or her mouth shut - difficult though that may be. Try never to bring anything into an argument that is unrelated to the topic being discussed. As we grow to be like Christ, we will acquire God's ability to forgive and forget the confessed sins of the past.

11. What motivates us to remind our friends of their past mistakes?

12. How do we rationalize bringing up the past when we argue with a friend?

13. Why is it so difficult to forgive and forget?

14. How do you want to respond the next time a friend lets you down?

Summary

All of our friends will let us down - some more than others. But instead of allowing our disappointment to destroy friendships, Scripture tells us to forgive. To bring healing to a broken relationship, you have to lay aside your own rights and resist the temptation to bring up past mistakes. God can help you be a genuine friend - that is, someone who brings love, acceptance, understanding, and forgiveness to friendships. Do not let your disappointment in your friends' shortcomings rob you of their friendship.

15. Which friend are you struggling to forgive right now?

16. In what tangible way could you demonstrate God's love and forgiveness to this friend?

Go On A Date

Especially for married couples, but even for some “dating” couples, start dating. Often people become very comfortable in their relationship and sitting around on the weekends, watching movies is about as exciting as it gets. Ask your mate out. For example, actually call them and ask, “If you do not have any plans for Saturday night, would you like to go to a concert with me?” It is crucial to relationships that they keep the fire alive by enjoying the act of dating. There are many people in long-term, successful marriages that will tell you they go out on dates every week, which has been a huge bonus for their relationship.

"No Weapon Formed Against You."

The Bible says in Isaiah 54:17 “No weapon that is formed against you will prosper.” Many preachers, gospel singers and Bible teachers have emphasized this text to us who have their enemies come against them. We sing this in our songs. We rejoice at what seems to be a guarantee that weapons will not assail us.

What Does This Mean?


However in the midst of our shouting, some of us must ask the simple question, “what does this mean?” Some of us make a simple statement that if our enemies weapons cannot hurt the true child of God. In that world the righteous are a bit like Superman. The wicked shoot guns at the righteous but the bullets simply fall down. Knives don’t cut the child of God and the weapons of evil doers are rendered useless in their presence. Such a world does not seem real to our minds. It doesn’t seem to make sense when we look at the history of the martyrs and it doesn’t make sense in light of the Bible which lets us know that we will suffer persecution. (2 Timothy 3:12)

So if that is not what “no weapon” means. What does it mean? Some would say, well, it means that we may be hit with bullets, but we will not fully face the full pain that those who are not in the Lord will face. This is certainly a nice idea. The Bible does say “perfect love casts out all fear.” (1 John 4:18) But the reality of human living remind us that doubt can and does creep into our experience. John the Baptist questioned whether Jesus was truly the messiah (Matthew 11:3), Elijah the prophet ran away from Jezebel in fear for his life (1 Kings 19:1-14), and even Jesus Christ himself yelled “My God My God, Why hast thou forsaken me (Matthew 27:46). No it is not that we don’t face the fear in light of the uncertainty that being human brings. We do have fear when standing in front of the weapon of our enemy.

God’s Future Vision


Simply put, the writer of our text seems to be giving a vision of another time. The writer is speaking of the future when God’s kingdom will be fully realized. And the writer is using imagery that simply says that our weapons of today will not prosper against you. The same chapter says “Afflicted city, lashed by storms and not comforted, I will rebuild you.” (Isaiah 54:11) When God’s city is rebuilt, then no weapon formed against you shall prosper. In that day “Tyranny will be far from you; you will have nothing to fear. Terror will be far removed; it will not come near you.” (Isaiah 54:14)

Yes today weapons may overtake us. Yes today weapons may hurt us. Yes today you are hurt. And Lord help us, even killed by weapons. But this vision of the future lets us know that that is not God’s ultimate intention. This text lets us know that a day is coming when the “wicked shall cease from troubling and the weary shall be at rest.” And when God’s ultimate intention is fully realized, “we will study war no more.”

God’s Gonna Turn It Around


In short, the day is coming when weapons will not prosper against us. And now we can take comfort in the fact that even though I may have to face what these weapons can do to my mortal body, ultimately God will destroy their power. And as the Bible writer says in 1 Corinthians, death itself is subdued and killed by the mighty power of our God. (1 Corinthians 15:55)

So yes, a weapon may kill you, but God will reverse that. This is not removing the fact that you were killed, it is just making it so that you have overcome it. And more important is that promise later in the same chapter that God’s people will be vindicated. (Isaiah 54:17)


To often we forget the practical application of what is being said in the text here.  We foolishly engage the enemy or our perceived adversary without understanding the nature of the contest.  

We engage in battle assuming we are invulnerable, that we have  superhuman strength, that we are protected by an impenetrable force field. It should be understood that God's protection isn't an invitation to stupidity, it's not an excuse to abandon reason and one's intellectual powers of sanctified interpretation of the text via the guidance of the Holy Ghost. I've been told "the weapons of our warfare are not carnal", also in order for us to do battle with the enemy we must "put on the armor of God."  

How many of these 10 secrets of success do you practice?

1. How you think is everything. Remember to “think positive” at every opportunity. Visualize success, not failure. Avoid negative environments and people.
2. Decide on your dreams and goals. Be specific about your goals. For example, say “I am taking a wood working class next month,” rather than “I would like to take a wood working class sometime.” Create a plan to reach your goals, and stick to it.
3. Take action. Goals alone have no meaning; you need to take action to make them real. Don’t let fear hold you back. "Just do it."
4. Never stop learning. Take classes, go back to school, read books, join a discussion group. If you are interested in a subject, make time to learn about it. Keep acquiring new skills.
5. Be persistent and work hard. You’ve probably heard the expression, “success is a marathon, not a sprint.” Keep your eye on the goal, and keep working toward it. Don’t give up.
6. Learn to analyze details. Get all the facts, and ask for input. This will help you make wiser decisions. Acknowledge your mistakes, but don’t beat yourself up. Learn from your mistakes.
7. Focus your time and money. When you believe in something, put your attention and energy there. Don’t let people or things distract you.
8. Don’t be afraid to be innovative; be different.Be true to yourself, and have your own ideas. Following the crowd is a path to mediocrity.
9. Communicate with people effectively.Remember that no person is an island. Communicate your thoughts and desires honestly, and encourage others to communicate honestly with you. Practice understanding and motivating other people.
10. Be honest and dependable; take responsibility for what you do.  When you make a promise, keep it. When you screw up, admit it.
    Without honesty, dependability and responsibility, the other nine secrets of success don’t add up to much.

What should I do if I disagree with something my pastor said?

1. Pray for humility and understanding.
2. Ask a trusted, godly friend who knows the Bible well about the statement. Listen to their explanation and be open to the possibility that you either misunderstood, or that the statement the pastor made is biblically correct and you’re the one whose thinking needs to adjust.
3. In choosing a “trusted, godly friend,” chose someone who you know is a friend to the pastor, and will exercise his or her own tongue to protect and love the pastor. Choose someone who is known for being eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace. Do not speak to someone who would be tempted to suspect the pastor, or would delight in disunity, or would be naively led astray by doubts.
4. If you still have questions or concerns, then gently, humbly ask your pastor to explain what he meant.
5. After patiently hearing your pastor’s explanation of what he meant, you may find that you still disagree with what he said. If this happens, what you should probably do is humbly accept that you see things differently at this point, resolve to keep your disagreement to yourself, thank God for all the ways he has used this man’s teaching in the lives of many, and cheerfully continue to submit to your pastor’s leadership and profit from his teaching.
6. However, in rare cases, you might find that you disagree so strongly with something your pastor teaches, or that you disagree on a matter of such consequence, that it would hinder you from contentedly submitting to his leadership. In a case like this it may be best to quietly, lovingly find another church after discussing your intent to leave with the pastor.

I do not feel like there are opportunities for me to get involved in my church. What should I do?

Sometimes we get so fixated on programs and official positions in the church that it’s easy to miss opportunities right in front of our eyes. To help remedy that potential near-sightedness, here are two ways that you can always get involved in any church.

1.      Find needs to meet. No church, even the best-staffed and best-served, has absolutely all of its needs met. There are always children to watch, meals to cook, rooms to clean, members in times of special need, and much more. So pray that God would enable you to find others’ needs and meet them in a spirit of humble service, even if they aren’t particularly glamorous.

2.      Find Christians to disciple. All Christians this side of heaven are works in progress, and God wants all Christians to build up the church to maturityby speaking the truth in love (see Eph. 4:11-16, Col. 3:16-17). So find people whom you can speak the truth in love to, and who can do the same for you. Ask a couple of new members over to your home for dinner and get to know the state of their souls. Find a younger Christian and begin reading Scripture and praying together.

Serving in the church is not something we should need a special invitation to do. In every church there will be needs to meet and Christians to disciple. So take the initiative and find ways to do others spiritual good.

How To Be Resilient

Features of Resiliency

Darryl Conner in his book, Managing at the Speed of Change, lists five characteristics of resiliency. These features are to:

• Be Positive - See life as challenging, dynamic, and filled with opportunities.
• Be Focused - Determine where you are headed and stick to that goal so that barriers do not block your way
• Be Flexible - Open yourself to different possibilities when faced with uncertainty.
• Be Organized - Develop structured approaches to be able to manage the unknown.
• Be Proactive - Look ahead, actively engage change, and work with it.

These resiliency features can be mapped on to the Cycle of Change and show us how resiliency helps at each step of the cycle.

Being proactive enables you to prepare for what might be coming. It helps you to scan for signs of change at the step of sensing "something’s up." Focus is needed to clarify the situation and clearly identify the problem or opportunity. Organization enables the development of a comprehensive and detailed plan of implementation. A positive outlook facilitates the actual beginning of the work of change as plans are put into action. Flexibility will be needed as adjustments are made and you begin to sense that "this will work." From the position of having gotten through change you once again need to be proactive as you look ahead to what might be next and prepare to go around the cycle once again. Surviving change will depend upon being a resilient individual. And resiliency will be needed because change always brings resistance.

Is it In You?

What lies before us and what lies behind us are small matters compared to what lies within us
(Ralph Waldo Emerson)

Within modern leadership, who we are has become more important than such things as t thought, behaviour, competencies, technique or status.  This is what is known as authentic leadership.

Originality, rather than imitation, is what makes an organisation stand out.  This requires exceptional leaders, who are themselves creative, and who can inspire “collective creativity”.  This kind of leader is capable of operating outside his or her own comfort one. They have no need of massaging their own ego, and thus can put the well being of the organisation first.  When it comes down to it, leadership is about trust and as such requires the engagement of both heart and head.  An organisation can only change once it has invested in every single person’s self-leadership.

And in that sense absolutely anyone can be a leader; if you can change your internal world, then you’re certainly capable of changing the world outside, thus bring others long with you in significant renewal.

How can you achieve this? Just do it from today on: don’t put up with pointless meetings, be explicit about what the real issues are, avoid mixed messages, consider others’ point of view.

And further: take the time to really consider what you’re doing and be curious about what’s driving you and those around you.

So, is becoming an authentic leader just a pipe dream?

It’s up to you!

Free Marriage Workbook

http://www.ministryinsights.com/pdf/marriagebook.pdf

CHOICES

"It is our choices that show who we truly are far more than our abilities."      

Anonymous

CODEPENDENCY?

Balancing an Unbalanced Relationship

Introduction

When God gave us His Ten Commandments, He began with these words. "You shall have no other gods before me" (Exodus 20:3). He knew that if we would make our relationship with Him our top priority, He would bless our lives, and, through our other relationships, we would be a blessing to others. The primary problem with codependency is that it violates the heart of God's first commandment. In a codependent relationship, you allow someone else to take the place that God alone should have in your heart.... You allow another person to be your "god." If you have a misplaced dependency, you will have neither peace with God nor the peace of God. But if you put the Lord first, living each day dependent on Him, you will have God's peace, even when others are not peaceful toward you. This is one reason God says to us,

"You shall have no other gods before me." (Exodus 20:3)

I. Definitions

Imagine that you have been handpicked by God to impact all the people around you. You have been chosen to be the liberator throughout the land... chosen to have the respect of all the people... chosen as the highest judge over the entire nation. God has even spelled out the specifics you must do in order to protect your power and safeguard your strength. Soon, the awesome stories of your success spread like wildfire. Then... in walks Delilah!

You know you are not to reveal the secret of your strength, because God has said, "Don't tell." Yet you feel torn. You want to please God, but you also want to please Delilah, who has asked you to disclose the source of your strength. You try to resist, but the more you do, the more she cries and begs, prods and pleads. Now you find yourself in the Delilah Dilemma. As you try to take care of her feelings, you cave in to her manipulation. Finally, you confide that your strength is in your obedience to God in never, ever cutting your hair. Big mistake—a big mistake that leads to unimagined misery! Delilah tells the enemy Philistines, and they cut your hair and take you captive. However, your biggest mistake is not what you said, but what you did—you let Delilah be your "god" instead of letting God be your God. (See Judges chapters 13-16.)

A. What Is Dependency?

If Samson had not been so dependent on pleasing Delilah—if he had not been a "codependent people-pleaser"—he would not have lost his strength, his status, or his sight... nor would he have lost his spiritual insight. Ultimately, his dependency led to his disobedience, which in turn led to his downfall. In truth, Samson's pride caused his own downfall, for he prioritized the words of Delilah over the words of God.

"Before his downfall a man's heart is proud, but humility comes before honor." (Proverbs 18:12)

• A dependency is a reliance on something or someone else for support or existence: "I have to have this to live."
• A dependency can be either negative or positive, such as being dependent on cocaine versus being dependent on Christ: "This is necessary for my life."
• A dependency can be an addiction to any object, behavior, or person that represents an underlying attempt to get emotional needs met : "I must do this to meet my needs... to make me happy."

You Can Be Dependent on...

Objects—

• A chemical addiction to drugs (alcohol, tobacco, cocaine)
• A sexual addiction to erotic items (pornography—magazines, videos—sex toys)

Behaviors—

• An addiction to behaviors that appear to be bad, those that are not widely socially acceptable and can be harmful (inappropriate sex, gambling, excessive spending, compulsive eating)
• An addiction to behaviors that appear to be good, those that are widely socially acceptable but may be equally harmful (perfectionism, workaholism, caregiving)

People—

• A "love" addiction in which you feel that your identity is in another person (A weak "love addict" is emotionally dependent on someone "strong")
• A "savior" addiction in which you feel that your identity is in your ability to meet the needs of another person (A strong "savior" needs to be needed by someone "weak")

Because addictions provide a momentary "high," good feelings are associated with them. However, the Book of Proverbs gives this poignant warning....

"There is a way that seems right to a man, but in the end it leads to death." (Proverbs 14:12)

Question: "What is wrong with people depending on people?"

Answer: We should have a healthy "interdependence" on others in the sense that we should value and enjoy each other, love and learn from each other, but we should not be totally dependent on each other. Essentially, this kind of relationship involves a healthy, mutual give-and-take, where neither person looks to the other to meet each and every need. However, many people have a misplaced dependency on others. These kinds of relationships are not healthy, for God intends for us to live in total dependence on Him.

Over and over, the Bible portrays how godly people learn to have a strong dependence on the Lord rather than a weak dependence on each other. The apostle Paul said we should...

"... not rely on ourselves but on God." (2 Corinthians 1:9)

B. What Is Codependency?

Though the word codependency may be fairly new, the concept is age-old. We can certainly see how supposedly strong Samson violates his values by giving in to seemingly dependent Delilah. But this compromise of codependency was not his first. During the time of his seven-day wedding feast, Samson gave a riddle as a wager to the Philistines (the godless people of his new wife). His wife cried the entire time, "You hate me! You don't really love me.... You haven't told me the answer" (Judges 14:16). On the final day of the feast, Samson was worn down and told his wife.... Then, in turn, she told the Philistines. As a result, violence and bloodshed ran rampant... only because strong Samson didn't act with the strength of his convictions. Instead, he became weak-willed, following the persistent pleading of his weak wife. Samson needed to...

"Be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power." (Ephesians 6:10)

• Today, a codependent is anyone who is dependent on another person to the point of being controlled or manipulated by that person.
• The word codependent was first used in the 1970s to describe a family member living with an alcoholic. The prefix co- means "with" or "one associated with the action of another."
• Codependency became the word that describes the dysfunctional behavior of family members seeking to adapt to the destructive behavior of the alcoholic.
• Codependency is a relationship addiction. Just as the alcoholic is dependent on alcohol, the codependent is dependent on being needed by the alcoholic... or on being needed by someone who is dependent.
• The "enabler" is a codependent person who enables the alcoholic (or other dependent person) to continue with the addiction without drawing and maintaining boundaries. Codependency involves being too dependent on someone or something that cannot meet your needs. Codependency can be compared to the sin of depending on false gods that are powerless to help or depending on a broken water well that won't hold water. It simply won't work!

"My people have committed two sins: They have forsaken me, the spring of living water, and have dug their own cisterns, broken cisterns that cannot hold water." (Jeremiah 2:13)

Question: "How can I know whether I'm an enabler?"

Answer: You are an enabler if you perpetuate another's destructive behavior by protecting that person from painful consequences that could actually serve as a motivation for change.

• —The enabling parent allows the teenager's drug habit to continue with no repercussions, even to the detriment of other family members.
• —The enabling wife calls her husband's boss to say that he has the flu when in fact he has a hangover.

Ask yourself, How many lies have I told to protect the reputation of the one with the destructive habit? The Bible has strong words to say about those who protect the guilty....

"Whoever says to the guilty, 'You are innocent'—peoples will curse him and nations denounce him." (Proverbs 24:24)

C. What Are Common Codependent Relationships?

In a codependent relationship, one person is seen as weak and the other as strong. The weak one appears totally dependent on the strong one. But the one who appears strong is actually weak because of the excessive need to be needed by the weak one. In fact, the strong one needs for the weak one to stay weak, which in turn keeps the strong one feeling strong.

The ultimate solution—God's solution—for both of these weak persons is not to try to draw strength from each other, but rather to derive their strength from God. The Bible says,

"He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak." (Isaiah 40:29)

Common Codependent Relationships

• A wife is excessively helpless around her husband... and the husband needs his wife to stay helpless.
• A husband is excessively needy in how he relates to his wife... and the wife needs him to stay needy.
• A student is excessively tied to a teacher... and the teacher needs the student to stay tied.
• A child is excessively pampered by the parent... and the parent needs the child to stay in need of pampering.
• A parent is excessively protected by the child... and the child needs the parent to stay in need of protection.
• An employee is excessively entangled with an employer... and the employer needs the employee to stay entangled.
• A friend is excessively fixated on another friend... and that person needs the friend to stay fixated.
• A counselee is excessively clinging to a counselor... and the counselor needs the counselee to continue clinging.
• A disciple is excessively dependent on a discipler... and the discipler needs the disciple to stay dependent.
• A victim is excessively vulnerable to a victimizer... and the victimizer needs the victim to stay vulnerable.
• A layperson is excessively leaning on a spiritual leader... and the leader needs the layperson to continue leaning.

When we have a misplaced dependency, we have a misplaced trust. We are excessively trusting in the relationship to provide more than God intended. The Psalms describe a misplaced trust....

"Some trust in chariots and some in horses, but we trust in the name of the Lord our God." (Psalm 20:7)

Question: "When I was a struggling addict, my wife held our home together. Now that I have truly changed, why is she continually upset and threatening divorce?"

Answer: You changed the dynamic! After an alcoholic becomes healthy and whole, the strong codependent mate is no longer needed in the same way. The new dynamic changes the balance in the relationship. The strong one, who no longer feels needed in the same way, could choose to divorce and remarry another needy mate in order to feel needed again. Obviously, divorce is not the solution. For both of you to become emotionally balanced and spiritually healthy is the solution. Just as every alcoholic needs to overcome alcoholism, every codependent needs to overcome codependency. The Bible says,

"Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will." (Romans 12:2)

Question: "In the parent-child relationship, what is the difference between bonding and enmeshment?"

Answer:

• —Healthy bonding occurs when parents are connected with their children by being God's instruments to meet their basic physical, emotional, and spiritual needs. With healthy bonding, nurturing flows naturally from parent to child, leaving the child emotionally fulfilled and whole.
• —Unhealthy enmeshment occurs when parents need an excessive connection with their children in order to get their own emotional needs met. With enmeshment, nurturing flows unnaturally from child to parent, leaving the child emotionally drained and empty.

"Children should not have to save up for their parents, but parents for their children."

(2 Corinthians 12:14)