When dealing with others it is important to integrate your feeling and thinking.
In other words, don’t just feel about your situation, but think about it too. Then you’ll be more ready to speak out calmly and act appropriately. A lot of unnecessary conflicts and problems are avoided if you follow this simple rule: feel and think first before you speak or do.
If you feel and then act without thinking you’re being impulsive or reactive and, more often then not, you’ll hurt yourself or someone else. If you think and then act without feeling then you’re detaching and not dealing with something that you need to deal with. But if you feel and think about something, put your heart and head together, then you’re in sync with yourself and giving your best.
The more your heart and mind are in communication and working together to support you the more effective you’ll be in your relationships.
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Tuesday, June 28, 2011
If You Can’t Sstand The Heat, Get Out Of The Kitchen (Harry Truman)
Do you know Gordon Ramsay? He is a famous chef appearing in television shows like ‘Hell’s Kitchen’ and ‘Kitchen Nightmares’. His fame comes from screaming vulgarities at incompetent chefs.
Not the way of communication we promote. But if you strip away the obscenities from Ramsay’s language there is are some things to be appreciated, namely that Ramsay hates mediocrity.
He doesn’t want people to be average or dishes to be passable; he wants them to be great.
When he finally says: ‘nice job’ this will be well-deserved. The people he has worked with have really changed.
The lesson here? If you are honest in your drive to make things don’t hesitate to state clearly what you think about the current situation.
But after that, like Gordon you have to get into the heat of the kitchen and work together to improve things.
Not the way of communication we promote. But if you strip away the obscenities from Ramsay’s language there is are some things to be appreciated, namely that Ramsay hates mediocrity.
He doesn’t want people to be average or dishes to be passable; he wants them to be great.
When he finally says: ‘nice job’ this will be well-deserved. The people he has worked with have really changed.
The lesson here? If you are honest in your drive to make things don’t hesitate to state clearly what you think about the current situation.
But after that, like Gordon you have to get into the heat of the kitchen and work together to improve things.
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Don’t Worry About Criticism
Remember that unjust criticism is often a disguised compliment.
“When you are kicked or criticized, remember that it is often done because it gives the kicker a feeling of importance. It often means that you are accomplishing something and are worthy of attention.” —Dale Carnegie
Do the very best you can.
“I do the very best I know how --- the very best I can; and I mean to keep on doing so until the end. If the end brings me out all right, then what is said against me won’t matter. If the end brings me out wrong, then ten angels saying I was right would make no difference.” —Abraham Lincoln
Analyze your own mistakes and criticize yourself.
“When you are kicked or criticized, remember that it is often done because it gives the kicker a feeling of importance. It often means that you are accomplishing something and are worthy of attention.” —Dale Carnegie
Do the very best you can.
“I do the very best I know how --- the very best I can; and I mean to keep on doing so until the end. If the end brings me out all right, then what is said against me won’t matter. If the end brings me out wrong, then ten angels saying I was right would make no difference.” —Abraham Lincoln
Analyze your own mistakes and criticize yourself.
Saturday, June 25, 2011
SOME SIMPLE RULES TO HANDEL CONFLICT IT'S OK TO DISAGREE DON'T BE DISAGREEABLE
BE FLEXABLE, BE OPEN, BE PRESENT
1. Keep interactions respectful, even when feeling frustrated or hurt.
2. Avoiding put-downs, name calling, interruptions, etc. helps prevent conflict escalation.
3. Maintain emotional control, even when feeling angry. Vent or redirect emotions to avoid yelling or other intimidating behavior. This helps provide a safe environment for resolving differences.
4. Keep interactions on "hot topics" within a structured process.
5. Avoiding or minimizing spontaneous discussions on such issues helps prevent unintended "blowups." Using a planned negotiation, mediation, or other formalized process helps focus and balance communication about especially delicate issues.
6. Show a willingness to understand. If others feel understood and acknowledged, they are more likely to collaborate when problem solving. This requires focusing on and empathizing with what is being communicated by others rather just waiting for a turn to respond.
7. Communicate honestly and openly. Holding back on what the real concerns are will only delay or complicate the resolution of differences.
8. Be as objective as possible. Avoid speculation, rumors, and assumptions.
9. Rely on personal observations and experiences or what can be independently verified through a credible witness or available documentation.
10. Express concerns in a constructive manner. Each party describing which of his/her needs are not being met is typically better received by others than accusations or demands for change.
11. Focus on future solutions rather than past blame.
12. Emphasizing what needs to be changed rather than who is at fault takes less time and energy and increases the chances of successful change.
13. Look for solutions that meet everyone's needs. Using an approach that tries to find common ground or shared interests is the most effective way for each person to get his/her own needs met.
14. An approach that disregards a person's needs is likely to cause resentment in that individual, which can lead to future resistance or retaliation. Consider the needs of the person in front of you; consider their position by placing yourself in their position.
1. Keep interactions respectful, even when feeling frustrated or hurt.
2. Avoiding put-downs, name calling, interruptions, etc. helps prevent conflict escalation.
3. Maintain emotional control, even when feeling angry. Vent or redirect emotions to avoid yelling or other intimidating behavior. This helps provide a safe environment for resolving differences.
4. Keep interactions on "hot topics" within a structured process.
5. Avoiding or minimizing spontaneous discussions on such issues helps prevent unintended "blowups." Using a planned negotiation, mediation, or other formalized process helps focus and balance communication about especially delicate issues.
6. Show a willingness to understand. If others feel understood and acknowledged, they are more likely to collaborate when problem solving. This requires focusing on and empathizing with what is being communicated by others rather just waiting for a turn to respond.
7. Communicate honestly and openly. Holding back on what the real concerns are will only delay or complicate the resolution of differences.
8. Be as objective as possible. Avoid speculation, rumors, and assumptions.
9. Rely on personal observations and experiences or what can be independently verified through a credible witness or available documentation.
10. Express concerns in a constructive manner. Each party describing which of his/her needs are not being met is typically better received by others than accusations or demands for change.
11. Focus on future solutions rather than past blame.
12. Emphasizing what needs to be changed rather than who is at fault takes less time and energy and increases the chances of successful change.
13. Look for solutions that meet everyone's needs. Using an approach that tries to find common ground or shared interests is the most effective way for each person to get his/her own needs met.
14. An approach that disregards a person's needs is likely to cause resentment in that individual, which can lead to future resistance or retaliation. Consider the needs of the person in front of you; consider their position by placing yourself in their position.
Sunday, June 19, 2011
“The things that make a marriage last have more to do with..."
But for many couples, it’s just not enough to stay together. They want a relationship that is meaningful and satisfying. In short, they want a sustainable marriage.
“The things that make a marriage last have more to do with communication skills, mental health, social support, stress — those are the things that allow it to last or not,” says Arthur Aron, a psychology professor who directs the Interpersonal Relationships Laboratory at the State University of New York at Stony Brook. “But those things don’t necessarily make it meaningful or enjoyable or sustaining to the individual.”
The notion that the best marriages are those that bring satisfaction to the individual may seem counterintuitive. After all, isn’t marriage supposed to be about putting the relationship first?
Not anymore. For centuries, marriage was viewed as an economic and social institution, and the emotional and intellectual needs of the spouses were secondary to the survival of the marriage itself. But in modern relationships, people are looking for a partnership, and they want partners who make their lives more interesting.
Caryl Rusbult, a researcher at Vrije University in Amsterdam who died last January, called it the “Michelangelo effect,” referring to the manner in which close partners “sculpt” each other in ways that help each of them attain valued goals.
Dr. Aron and Gary W. Lewandowski Jr., a professor at Monmouth University in New Jersey, have studied how individuals use a relationship to accumulate knowledge and experiences, a process called “self-expansion.” Research shows that the more self-expansion people experience from their partner, the more committed and satisfied they are in the relationship.
To measure this, Dr. Lewandowski developed a series of questions for couples: How much has being with your partner resulted in your learning new things? How much has knowing your partner made you a better person? (Take the full quiz measuring self-expansion.)
While the notion of self-expansion may sound inherently self-serving, it can lead to stronger, more sustainable relationships, Dr. Lewandowski says.
“If you’re seeking self-growth and obtain it from your partner, then that puts your partner in a pretty important position,” he explains. “And being able to help your partner’s self-expansion would be pretty pleasing to yourself.”
The concept explains why people are delighted when dates treat them to new experiences, like a weekend away. But self-expansion isn’t just about exotic experiences. Individuals experience personal growth through their partners in big and small ways. It happens when they introduce new friends, or casually talk about a new restaurant or a fascinating story in the news.
The effect of self-expansion is particularly pronounced when people first fall in love. In research at the University of California at Santa Cruz, 325 undergraduate students were given questionnaires five times over 10 weeks. They were asked, “Who are you today?” and given three minutes to describe themselves. They were also asked about recent experiences, including whether they had fallen in love.
After students reported falling in love, they used more varied words in their self-descriptions. The new relationships had literally broadened the way they looked at themselves.
“You go from being a stranger to including this person in the self, so you suddenly have all of these social roles and identities you didn’t have before,” explains Dr. Aron, who co-authored the research. “When people fall in love that happens rapidly, and it’s very exhilarating.”
Over time, the personal gains from lasting relationships are often subtle. Having a partner who is funny or creative adds something new to someone who isn’t. A partner who is an active community volunteer creates new social opportunities for a spouse who spends long hours at work.
Additional research suggests that spouses eventually adopt the traits of the other — and become slower to distinguish differences between them, or slower to remember which skills belong to which spouse.
In experiments by Dr. Aron, participants rated themselves and their partners on a variety of traits, like “ambitious” or “artistic.” A week later, the subjects returned to the lab and were shown the list of traits and asked to indicate which ones described them.
People responded the quickest to traits that were true of both them and their partner. When the trait described only one person, the answer came more slowly. The delay was measured in milliseconds, but nonetheless suggested that when individuals were particularly close to someone, their brains were slower to distinguish between their traits and those of their spouses.
“It’s easy to answer those questions if you’re both the same,” Dr. Lewandowski explains. “But if it’s just true of you and not of me, then I have to sort it out. It happens very quickly, but I have to ask myself, ‘Is that me or is that you?’ ”
It’s not that these couples lost themselves in the marriage; instead, they grew in it. Activities, traits and behaviors that had not been part of their identity before the relationship were now an essential part of how they experienced life.
All of this can be highly predictive for a couple’s long-term happiness. One scale designed by Dr. Aron and colleagues depicts seven pairs of circles. The first set is side by side. With each new set, the circles begin to overlap until they are nearly on top of one another. Couples choose the set of circles that best represents their relationship. In a 2009 report in the journal Psychological Science, people bored in their marriages were more likely to choose the more separate circles. Partners involved in novel and interesting experiences together were more likely to pick one of the overlapping circles and less likely to report boredom. “People have a fundamental motivation to improve the self and add to who they are as a person,” Dr. Lewandowski says. “If your partner is helping you become a better person, you become happier and more satisfied in the relationship.”
“The things that make a marriage last have more to do with communication skills, mental health, social support, stress — those are the things that allow it to last or not,” says Arthur Aron, a psychology professor who directs the Interpersonal Relationships Laboratory at the State University of New York at Stony Brook. “But those things don’t necessarily make it meaningful or enjoyable or sustaining to the individual.”
The notion that the best marriages are those that bring satisfaction to the individual may seem counterintuitive. After all, isn’t marriage supposed to be about putting the relationship first?
Not anymore. For centuries, marriage was viewed as an economic and social institution, and the emotional and intellectual needs of the spouses were secondary to the survival of the marriage itself. But in modern relationships, people are looking for a partnership, and they want partners who make their lives more interesting.
Caryl Rusbult, a researcher at Vrije University in Amsterdam who died last January, called it the “Michelangelo effect,” referring to the manner in which close partners “sculpt” each other in ways that help each of them attain valued goals.
Dr. Aron and Gary W. Lewandowski Jr., a professor at Monmouth University in New Jersey, have studied how individuals use a relationship to accumulate knowledge and experiences, a process called “self-expansion.” Research shows that the more self-expansion people experience from their partner, the more committed and satisfied they are in the relationship.
To measure this, Dr. Lewandowski developed a series of questions for couples: How much has being with your partner resulted in your learning new things? How much has knowing your partner made you a better person? (Take the full quiz measuring self-expansion.)
While the notion of self-expansion may sound inherently self-serving, it can lead to stronger, more sustainable relationships, Dr. Lewandowski says.
“If you’re seeking self-growth and obtain it from your partner, then that puts your partner in a pretty important position,” he explains. “And being able to help your partner’s self-expansion would be pretty pleasing to yourself.”
The concept explains why people are delighted when dates treat them to new experiences, like a weekend away. But self-expansion isn’t just about exotic experiences. Individuals experience personal growth through their partners in big and small ways. It happens when they introduce new friends, or casually talk about a new restaurant or a fascinating story in the news.
The effect of self-expansion is particularly pronounced when people first fall in love. In research at the University of California at Santa Cruz, 325 undergraduate students were given questionnaires five times over 10 weeks. They were asked, “Who are you today?” and given three minutes to describe themselves. They were also asked about recent experiences, including whether they had fallen in love.
After students reported falling in love, they used more varied words in their self-descriptions. The new relationships had literally broadened the way they looked at themselves.
“You go from being a stranger to including this person in the self, so you suddenly have all of these social roles and identities you didn’t have before,” explains Dr. Aron, who co-authored the research. “When people fall in love that happens rapidly, and it’s very exhilarating.”
Over time, the personal gains from lasting relationships are often subtle. Having a partner who is funny or creative adds something new to someone who isn’t. A partner who is an active community volunteer creates new social opportunities for a spouse who spends long hours at work.
Additional research suggests that spouses eventually adopt the traits of the other — and become slower to distinguish differences between them, or slower to remember which skills belong to which spouse.
In experiments by Dr. Aron, participants rated themselves and their partners on a variety of traits, like “ambitious” or “artistic.” A week later, the subjects returned to the lab and were shown the list of traits and asked to indicate which ones described them.
People responded the quickest to traits that were true of both them and their partner. When the trait described only one person, the answer came more slowly. The delay was measured in milliseconds, but nonetheless suggested that when individuals were particularly close to someone, their brains were slower to distinguish between their traits and those of their spouses.
“It’s easy to answer those questions if you’re both the same,” Dr. Lewandowski explains. “But if it’s just true of you and not of me, then I have to sort it out. It happens very quickly, but I have to ask myself, ‘Is that me or is that you?’ ”
It’s not that these couples lost themselves in the marriage; instead, they grew in it. Activities, traits and behaviors that had not been part of their identity before the relationship were now an essential part of how they experienced life.
All of this can be highly predictive for a couple’s long-term happiness. One scale designed by Dr. Aron and colleagues depicts seven pairs of circles. The first set is side by side. With each new set, the circles begin to overlap until they are nearly on top of one another. Couples choose the set of circles that best represents their relationship. In a 2009 report in the journal Psychological Science, people bored in their marriages were more likely to choose the more separate circles. Partners involved in novel and interesting experiences together were more likely to pick one of the overlapping circles and less likely to report boredom. “People have a fundamental motivation to improve the self and add to who they are as a person,” Dr. Lewandowski says. “If your partner is helping you become a better person, you become happier and more satisfied in the relationship.”
Saturday, June 4, 2011
"EMOTIONS, EVERYONE HAS THEM"
You can take everything I have, except the right to react the way I want to
(Victor Frankl)
A lot of people have trouble dealing with their emotions.
People often blame the way they feel on someone else’s behaviour:
- I’m angry, because you insulted me.
- I’m hurt, because you made fun of me.
-
I’m happy, because you’re so nice to me.
Emotions are often made out to depend on someone else’s behaviour.
But an emotion is something that you create, based on how you feel about a situation.
If a stranger walks by and says “You never get anything done”, you might be a bit surprised but won’t give it much thought.
But if your boss or partner tells you the same thing, you’ll find it much more important.
The way you interact with someone can also make you interpret their words differently.
If you’re arguing with someone who then says “You’re a good person”, you’ll probably see it as sarcastic rather than as a compliment.
Others aren’t responsible for your emotions. You are, by interpreting the people and situations you are confronted with.
Remember that you’re the one holding the keys to your own emotions.
(Victor Frankl)
A lot of people have trouble dealing with their emotions.
People often blame the way they feel on someone else’s behaviour:
- I’m angry, because you insulted me.
- I’m hurt, because you made fun of me.
-
I’m happy, because you’re so nice to me.
Emotions are often made out to depend on someone else’s behaviour.
But an emotion is something that you create, based on how you feel about a situation.
If a stranger walks by and says “You never get anything done”, you might be a bit surprised but won’t give it much thought.
But if your boss or partner tells you the same thing, you’ll find it much more important.
The way you interact with someone can also make you interpret their words differently.
If you’re arguing with someone who then says “You’re a good person”, you’ll probably see it as sarcastic rather than as a compliment.
Others aren’t responsible for your emotions. You are, by interpreting the people and situations you are confronted with.
Remember that you’re the one holding the keys to your own emotions.
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