“The things that make a marriage last have more to do with..."

But for many couples, it’s just not enough to stay together. They want a relationship that is meaningful and satisfying. In short, they want a sustainable marriage.

“The things that make a marriage last have more to do with communication skills, mental health, social support, stress — those are the things that allow it to last or not,” says Arthur Aron, a psychology professor who directs the Interpersonal Relationships Laboratory at the State University of New York at Stony Brook. “But those things don’t necessarily make it meaningful or enjoyable or sustaining to the individual.”

The notion that the best marriages are those that bring satisfaction to the individual may seem counterintuitive. After all, isn’t marriage supposed to be about putting the relationship first?

Not anymore. For centuries, marriage was viewed as an economic and social institution, and the emotional and intellectual needs of the spouses were secondary to the survival of the marriage itself. But in modern relationships, people are looking for a partnership, and they want partners who make their lives more interesting.

Caryl Rusbult, a researcher at Vrije University in Amsterdam who died last January, called it the “Michelangelo effect,” referring to the manner in which close partners “sculpt” each other in ways that help each of them attain valued goals.

Dr. Aron and Gary W. Lewandowski Jr., a professor at Monmouth University in New Jersey, have studied how individuals use a relationship to accumulate knowledge and experiences, a process called “self-expansion.” Research shows that the more self-expansion people experience from their partner, the more committed and satisfied they are in the relationship.

To measure this, Dr. Lewandowski developed a series of questions for couples: How much has being with your partner resulted in your learning new things? How much has knowing your partner made you a better person? (Take the full quiz measuring self-expansion.)

While the notion of self-expansion may sound inherently self-serving, it can lead to stronger, more sustainable relationships, Dr. Lewandowski says.

“If you’re seeking self-growth and obtain it from your partner, then that puts your partner in a pretty important position,” he explains. “And being able to help your partner’s self-expansion would be pretty pleasing to yourself.”

The concept explains why people are delighted when dates treat them to new experiences, like a weekend away. But self-expansion isn’t just about exotic experiences. Individuals experience personal growth through their partners in big and small ways. It happens when they introduce new friends, or casually talk about a new restaurant or a fascinating story in the news.

The effect of self-expansion is particularly pronounced when people first fall in love. In research at the University of California at Santa Cruz, 325 undergraduate students were given questionnaires five times over 10 weeks. They were asked, “Who are you today?” and given three minutes to describe themselves. They were also asked about recent experiences, including whether they had fallen in love.

After students reported falling in love, they used more varied words in their self-descriptions. The new relationships had literally broadened the way they looked at themselves.

“You go from being a stranger to including this person in the self, so you suddenly have all of these social roles and identities you didn’t have before,” explains Dr. Aron, who co-authored the research. “When people fall in love that happens rapidly, and it’s very exhilarating.”

Over time, the personal gains from lasting relationships are often subtle. Having a partner who is funny or creative adds something new to someone who isn’t. A partner who is an active community volunteer creates new social opportunities for a spouse who spends long hours at work.

Additional research suggests that spouses eventually adopt the traits of the other — and become slower to distinguish differences between them, or slower to remember which skills belong to which spouse.

In experiments by Dr. Aron, participants rated themselves and their partners on a variety of traits, like “ambitious” or “artistic.” A week later, the subjects returned to the lab and were shown the list of traits and asked to indicate which ones described them.

People responded the quickest to traits that were true of both them and their partner. When the trait described only one person, the answer came more slowly. The delay was measured in milliseconds, but nonetheless suggested that when individuals were particularly close to someone, their brains were slower to distinguish between their traits and those of their spouses.

“It’s easy to answer those questions if you’re both the same,” Dr. Lewandowski explains. “But if it’s just true of you and not of me, then I have to sort it out. It happens very quickly, but I have to ask myself, ‘Is that me or is that you?’ ”

It’s not that these couples lost themselves in the marriage; instead, they grew in it. Activities, traits and behaviors that had not been part of their identity before the relationship were now an essential part of how they experienced life.

All of this can be highly predictive for a couple’s long-term happiness. One scale designed by Dr. Aron and colleagues depicts seven pairs of circles. The first set is side by side. With each new set, the circles begin to overlap until they are nearly on top of one another. Couples choose the set of circles that best represents their relationship. In a 2009 report in the journal Psychological Science, people bored in their marriages were more likely to choose the more separate circles. Partners involved in novel and interesting experiences together were more likely to pick one of the overlapping circles and less likely to report boredom. “People have a fundamental motivation to improve the self and add to who they are as a person,” Dr. Lewandowski says. “If your partner is helping you become a better person, you become happier and more satisfied in the relationship.”

"EMOTIONS, EVERYONE HAS THEM"

You can take everything I have, except the right to react the way I want to
(Victor Frankl)



A lot of people have trouble dealing with their emotions.

People often blame the way they feel on someone else’s behaviour:

-     I’m angry, because you insulted me.

-     I’m hurt, because you made fun of me.

-     
I’m happy, because you’re so nice to me.

Emotions are often made out to depend on someone else’s behaviour.

But an emotion is something that you create, based on how you feel about a situation.

If a stranger walks by and says “You never get anything done”, you might be a bit surprised but won’t give it much thought.

But if your boss or partner tells you the same thing, you’ll find it much more important.

The way you interact with someone can also make you interpret their words differently.

If you’re arguing with someone who then says “You’re a good person”, you’ll probably see it as sarcastic rather than as a compliment.

Others aren’t responsible for your emotions. You are, by interpreting the people and situations you are confronted with.

Remember that you’re the one holding the keys to your own emotions.

Getting Past Insecurity

Getting stuck in insecurity is more sickening than the certainty you did something wrong
Expressions about people’s strengths and weaknesses usually use the third person singular. They always go like: he is such and so, never you are such and so.

That is how it used to be in the closely-knit village communities of yore. All members knew what ‘they’ felt about any of them. Only the individual concerned probably didn’t. On the other hand, there probably was a broad basic acceptance. Any individual member just ‘belonged’, however objectionable his or her character.

We probably do not realise that for centuries direct feedback was hardly given at all. It is a mechanism which only came into use after the Second World War. Recently, new insights in the development of our competences have drastically altered our views on feedback. The old perspective, getting feedback, has shifted to becoming owner of your feedback.

Do not talk about, but with people

Don’t Worry about Criticism

Remember that unjust criticism is often a disguised compliment. The quickest way to correct the other fellow's attitude is to correct your own."  

“When you are kicked or criticized, remember that it is often done because it gives the kicker a feeling of importance. It often means that you are accomplishing something and are worthy of attention.” —Dale Carnegie

Do the very best you can.

“I do the very best I know how --- the very best I can; and I mean to keep on doing so until the end. If the end brings me out all right, then what is said against me won’t matter. If the end brings me out wrong, then ten angels saying I was right would make no difference.” —Abraham Lincoln

Analyze your own mistakes and criticize yourself.

Do not cling on to your dream, just do not let it go

Of course it is important to keep trying to realise your dreams, and optimism about your potential is a great help to attain goals.

Unbridled optimism, however, can also be dangerous if it leads to a stubborn march down a dead end.

The trick is to be flexible in your optimism.

This means that you will have:

1. The strength to change what can be changed,

2. The courage to accept what cannot be changed,

3. The wisdom to distinguish between 1. and 2.

AND

4. Never lose sight of the essence of your dream. What cannot be done now, may be possible at another moment in a different form.

Graduation Day May 14, 2011 Erskine Theological Seminary Due West, SC

The day has arrived and I am wondering what now? I feel as if I should be doing something else! Don't get it twisted I am happy that God has blessed me and my family to achieve this milestone. I feel that I need to do more! I am never satisfied with where I am at intelluctually so being a perfectionist and somewhat "OCD" I am already thinking about my enrollment in Waldon University to complete my Phd in Psychology. I received my acceptance enrollment letter and welcome packet several months ago. The class schedule is robust and challenging but nothing that I can't handel. So I want to discuss change in this posting as I write from Westminster, South Carolina as I prepare to have my doctorate conferred upon me at 4:00 pm.

"CHANGE"

When it comes to change, those involved can be divided into four categories:

The ones who welcome the changes with positive feelings
The ones who wait to see what happens without taking an active part in the process
The cynical ones who only give negative criticism
The ones who lose faith and see themselves as victims
Change will start to show positive outcomes when most people belong to the first category – otherwise the change is only superficial: a technical success but not yet integrated in the organization’s every-day life.

It is essential that the critical masses have been reached.

Change will start to show positive outcomes when most people belong to the first category – otherwise the change is only superficial: a technical success but not yet integrated in the organization’s every-day life.

It is essential that the critical masses have been reached.

Change will start to show positive outcomes when most people belong to the first category – otherwise the change is only superficial: a technical success but not yet integrated in the organization’s every-day life.

It is essential that the critical masses have been reached.

When Knowledge Becomes Power

Knowledge only becomes power once you’re capable of putting the theory into practice

Being powerful implies a mutuality of influence, both sides being able not only influence the other, but also having influence over how they are, in turn influenced.  That’s what they call “Interaction”!

In other words:

“Only in interaction does knowledge become visible and relevant.”

The same goes for talent, as well as other personal qualities.

Your cosy conviction that you are “a talented person” remains a fantasy until you put it into action.