Marriage with a Twist

The toughest part of being in an unconventional union is managing other people's expectations.

By Amy Rosenberg, published on July 05, 2011 - last reviewed on October 11, 2011

In the classic film Harold and Maude, Harold, who is 20, decides to marry Maude, who is 80. His mother, a rich socialite, is mortified. She sends him to a psychiatrist, a priest, and an uncle, hoping they will convince him to change his mind. Each adviser reacts with disgust, and Harold doesn't budge. "What will people say?" his mother asks in horror. "I don't care what people will say," he replies. "This is insane!" she shouts. Harold's beloved shares his interest in—or, more accurately, obsession with—death and funerals in a way that no one else around him does. In Harold's mind, that makes her the perfect woman despite the vast age difference between them. Sadly, Maude passes away before Harold can marry her, but, given the couple's resolve, it's easy to imagine that they could have lived happily together (for a while, anyway). Their union certainly would have been atypical according to contemporary norms that present the archetypal couple as heterosexual, young (but not too young), stably employed, close in age, and well-matched in race and other social factors. But Harold and Maude clearly didn't care what outsiders thought.

In real life, such confidence can be difficult for star-crossed lovers to achieve and maintain. When people buck conventional ideas of coupledom and partner up with someone others consider inappropriate—too old or too young, the wrong race, class, or religion—or when they structure their relationship in a way that seems unorthodox—a husband who's a stay-at-home dad, a wife with a much higher salary—the perceptions of friends, family, and strangers can threaten their happiness.

"Social norms are driven by emotions of contempt in the observer and shame in the person or people being observed," says Jon Elster, professor of social science at Columbia University. "The contempt forms when the observer is faced with something that feels wrong, whether that feeling is justified or not—and often it is not. When a couple is judged or ostracized, their marriage can be destabilized."
So how can such couples stay afloat? It takes a stubborn and rebellious personality—like Harold's—to decide to pursue an atypical relationship in the first place, and if you've got two such personalities in one couple, tensions might run high regardless of social pressure. But those character traits can also be advantageous, helping people stick to their decisions and achieve their goals.
Ultimately, if partners remember the foundation upon which they built their relationship—what attracted them to each other in the first place, how their attraction developed into love, and why they decided to seal that love with mutual commitment—they have a good chance of creating a bond that can withstand the disapproving masses.

Enhance Relationships and Build Trust

The continuum for growing our people and leadership skills starts with changing ourselves. Mr. Carnegie encouraged us to "become a friendlier person" so that we could earn trust and enhance relationships. Enhancing relationships is the essential foundation for being more influential and becoming a highly respected leader.

Don’t criticize, condemn, or complain.
Criticizing another person not only damages that person’s reputation, but puts a dent in our own. Give honest, sincere appreciation.

Appreciation builds our image faster than any other practice. After all, the success of every job demands cooperation and effort from others. People contribute to our success as much as we contribute to theirs.

Arouse in the other person an eager want.
As business professionals, we are constantly selling our ideas. But people consent to help for their own reasons, not ours. If we make it clear how our ideas will benefit them, there is no limit to the cooperation we could receive.

Become genuinely interested in other people. Regardless of the physical or financial assets a company may have, it’s the people who make it successful. They are an organization’s key asset, and getting to know them should be as high a priority as learning the technical aspects of one’s job. The key is to be genuine. Don’t get a reputation for only being interested when you want something. Getting to know others should always be mutually beneficial.

Smile. Whether or not we’re pleasant to be around depends less on the situation than on our behavior. Rapport in business is fueled by seemingly minor considerations, such as a friendly, accessible demeanor and a welcoming smile.

Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.Using a person’s name is crucial, especially when meeting those we don’t see very often. Respect and acceptance stem from simple acts, such as remembering a person’s name and using it whenever appropriate.

Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.
A business runs on information, so what better way to learn what's going on than following this principle? We must listen with everything we’ve got. How we listen says volumes about how we think. Be focused, engaged, and sincere.

Talk in terms of the other person’s interests.
Truth be told, we spend most of our time thinking about ourselves. Why not create strong business relationships by putting away our own concerns and talking about what others are interested in for a while?

Make the other person feel important—and do it sincerely.
In our dealings with others, building them up shows we appreciate their contribution. The bond that results can help us withstand the pressures of our own day-to-day struggles.

Thinking Logically Might Not Be The Logical Thing To Do.

A lot of people tend to make a clear difference between emotions and reason. In a discussion, reasonable arguments are supposed to be important, while emotions wouldn’t take us any further.

However recent findings in neuroscience point out that there simply is no clear-cut difference between reason and emotion as regards the functioning of the brain. One cannot separate the one from the other.

A Map Will Tell You Everything You Need To Know, Except For How To Fold It Back Up.

The new navigation systems in cars have turned out to be extremely useful. However they do deprive us of the test of relationships that was done every holiday: map-reading.

It used to be like this: he drives, she reads the map.

This would happen:

After a couple of missed turns he wants to stop the car to read the map himself. This entails finding a spot to stop where it is possible to read the map peacefully – easier said than done. She suggests a spot like that might be marked on the map, which merely increases the level of his irritation.

She notices a small road to the left, but it was too late for him to slow down. He accuses her of not reacting soon enough, which increases her level of irritation.

However, the next junction turns out to lead to a cute French village with an extraordinary auberge with great cuisine and a free spot on the terrace … The two have truly survived an adventure and the relationship came out of it just fine.

Isn’t it a shame that we have to miss out on this nowadays?

If You Think You Can....

If you think you can do it, you’re right. If you think you can’t, you’re right.
Your power to convince yourself is enormous and unimaginable. You can make someone else experience this power by making him or her do the following exercise:

Ask your subject to stretch out his arms. Lightly press down on the upper side of the out-stretched hand, while he lightly pushes upwards. This way you can test the other’s natural power.

Make him tell himself at least ten times that he cannot resist your force, while repeating the action above.

Note his strength.

Now do the test again, but make the subject tell himself at least ten times that he definitely can resist! How strong is he now?

The results will surprise you!

You Will Always Remember Your Failures Much Longer Than Your Successes

Within our autobiographical memories there’s a special place reserved for embarrassing situations for which we ourselves are responsible. The kinds of situations which still make us blush when we recount them years later. Where looking back you still hope the ground will open and swallow you up!  Such as using the wrong name for someone, or asking after someone who’s long dead.

This sharp focus on negative memories has a function; it helps you to keep a healthy self-image, reminding us that we are fallible.

But it has its disadvantages too.  In moments of depression those painful experiences come bubbling up.

So next time you’re lying awake mulling over your weakness, remember that it’s a one-sided image of yourself, that unpleasant memories have been etched deeper in the brain, and programmed to reappear at such moments.  All the positive aspects of yourself have been wiped from the slate!

Building On Your Strengths

Why Build on Strengths?

It is our strengths that lead to true success in our careers, NOT our lack of weaknesses.
We all have unique strengths.
Strengths may come naturally to us, often from an early age.
Others tend to overlook our weaknesses if they respect our strengths.
In the absence of contradictory data, people will assume strengths: "She is VERY good in this area, therefore she must be good at everything else."
Strengths can create the Halo Effect, meaning that a positive perception is easily reinforced.
Remember, goal setting and action planning should first focus on strengths and then on those weaknesses that will impede success.